Room Service: Anime Style
by Robster80
Summary: Based on a Marx Bros. film and the play of the same name. Spike, Duo, and Vash have their hands full as the Bros., including a huge hotel bill and the "We Never Sleep" Collection Agency. Act 3 now up.
1. Casting Call

ROOM SERVICE: ANIME STYLE  
CASTING AND TRYOUTS  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, save for R80/myself.  
  
  
  
R80: QUIET DOWN, EVERYONE!!!  
  
*Silence*  
  
R80: Thank you! Now, I've gone over the results of the tryouts for the "Room Service Anime" with help from Cell, and we've just about have all of our characters picked out.  
  
Cell: Spike Speigel, you got Groucho's part of Gordon Miller.  
  
Spike: Me?! But I don't even have the fake mustace!  
  
Cell: The hair is close enough. Besides, it'll loosen you up for the upcoming Trigun/Cowboy Bebop crossover the boss will write soon.  
  
R80: Duo, you're Chico's character Benelli.  
  
Duo: *Beams* Cool!  
  
R80: This one calls for a true blabbermouth, and you fit the bill.  
  
Duo: -_-; Gee, thanks.  
  
R80: Vash, you'll play as Harpo's character Faker.  
  
Vash: But that means I can't talk throughout the whole thing!  
  
Wolfwood: Betcha he can't shut up for one whole scene.  
  
Vash: You're on!  
  
R80: (I can see this is gonna be tough.) *Looks at his list* Goku, you're gonna be the Russian waiter, Sasha.  
  
Goku: But I can't speak Russian!  
  
Cell: You got 3 days to at least get the accent. Have Admiral Gloval help you out.  
  
R80: Roger Smith!  
  
Roger: Yo!  
  
R80: You play Joe Gribble, Gordon's brother-in-law. I trust there won't be any problems?  
  
Roger: Spike and I get along fine. It's our voices I'm worried about.  
  
Cell: Why?  
  
Roger & Spike: We have the same voice.  
  
R80: I... see... Oh well, we'll work on that later. Faye, you're Christine, Gordon's girlfriend and secretary to a Mr. Freemont.  
  
Faye: -_- Lucky me.  
  
Spike: Ditto.  
  
R80: Just make sure you're on time for rehearsals, or else I'll have you watched over 24/7! Comprende?  
  
Faye: Oh, okay!  
  
R80: Sheesh! TK, are you up to playing Leo Davis, the author and the straight man of the group?  
  
TK: No problem!  
  
R80: Good! Now, Kari, don't get upset, but you didn't get the part of Hilda Manney, Leo's love interest and Gordon's secretary. Sakura of CCS fame did.  
  
Kari: It's okay. I trust her.  
  
R80: (That's a relief.) Gendo Ikari?  
  
Gendo: *Pops up from behind* Yes?  
  
R80: Ah! *Whirls around* Don't ever do that again!  
  
Gendo: What is it you want? I'm a busy man.  
  
R80: I've put you down as Mr. Wagner, the supervising director of the hotel, and Gribble's boss.  
  
Gendo: Good. I shall be awaiting the schedule for rehearsals. Goodbye. *Disappears into the shadows*  
  
Cell: That guy gives me the creeps. So, who's next?  
  
R80: Exedore will be Dr. Glass, the hotel's doctor.  
  
Exedore: As you wish.  
  
R80: *Goes back over the list* Char, you are... Not here...  
  
Cell: Probably off dueling Amuro again.  
  
TK: No, Amuro and Frao are at the movies. I think Char's dueling with Zechs again.  
  
R80: Oh, for the love of-! *Pulls out a remote and presses a button, making a huge monitor appear on the far wall. It shows Tallgeese III battling the Zeong* CHAR!!!!!!  
  
Char: *Face appears on half of the screen as the fighting pauses* Hello?  
  
R80: Quit fooling around with Zechs and get back here! You're gonna play Simon Jenkins, the backer.  
  
Char: Do I get to wear my helmet and mask?  
  
R80: We'll discuss it when you get here, now get moving!  
  
Char: On my way.  
  
*Screen goes blank*  
  
R80: That guy's gonna be the death of me. Now... I need several of you all to play bit parts in the fic. There are one policeman, three house detectives, an agent from the bank, an usher, and several actors in miner's clothing and one actor who is a judge.  
  
Gennoa-san: *Rushes in* Me! Me! Pick me!  
  
R80: O.O Aren't you busy?  
  
Gennoa-san: Not THAT busy.  
  
R80: Okay, you're the judge.  
  
Gennoa-san: groovy!  
  
R80: Jet Black, can you fill in as the cop?  
  
Jet: Why not? I used to be one.  
  
R80: Jinnai, you're the usher.  
  
Jinnai: How about the Bugrom?  
  
R80: Sorry, this was originally made in the 1930's. Bugrom weren't thought up back then.  
  
Bugrom: *Make noises that resemble "Aww"*  
  
Cell: I'll see if Ginyu, Burter, and Android 14 can play the house detectives. Now, about the miners...  
  
R80: I think we can just have most of the extra men minus Jinnai fill in for them, plus others. Now, all we need is the agent from the bank...  
  
Ryoga: *Bursts in through the floor* Now where am I? *Looks around* Uh-oh! I did it again, didn't I?  
  
Cell: You sure did.  
  
R80: Hmmm... Ryoga, how'd you like a small part in a play I'm doing?  
  
Ryoga: A small part? I don't see the harm in it.  
  
R80: Okay, I'll mark you down as the bank agent... !!!! Uh-oh! I forgot to cast someone to be Timothy Hogarth of the "We Never Sleep" Collection agency.  
  
Tenchi: *Rushes in and pushes his back against the door* Can I hide with you guys for a while?  
  
R80: Women trouble again?  
  
Cell: Agree to play as Timothy Hogarth and you got a deal, kid.  
  
Tenchi: No problem!  
  
R80: Great! *Passes out video copies* Watch these copies of the film while I get copies of the script made up for you guys. Read-throughs are tomorrow and rehearsals are in 3 days. Cell, get a hold of Silencer and Washu. We'll need that costume thingamajig they used for Silencer's version of "A Christmas Carol," plus a scene-changing device. Vash, you'll help work out the bugs in it just in case.  
  
Vash: You got it!  
  
  
  
END for now  



	2. Act 1

ROOM SERVICE - ANIME STYLE  
ACT I  
  
  
  
R80: We about ready?  
  
Cast: Almost, boss!  
  
Cell: Who's gonna do the disclaimer?  
  
Silencer: Gotsumon's got it covered. How's the crowd looking?  
  
Wolfwood: So far, pretty good. We got Archangel Bloodraven, raine, Happyman, Kei-chan, Trio, BGCrisis, Kari and the rest of the DDs with their Digimon, Goku's family, TK's folks and Patamon, the GW boys and the Gundam crew... a good size crowd.  
  
Gohan: I hope dad'll be okay. He's been working hard on his part.  
  
Chi-chi: I'm sure he'll do just fine, Gohan.  
  
Sayla: I can't believe my brother's wearing his helmet for this!  
  
Kai: Actors, go figure.  
  
Gotsumon: *Emerges from behind the curtains* Greetings and salutations, everyone! How are you all doing?  
  
Patamon & Gatomon: Hiya, Rocky!  
  
Gotsumon: I'll be narrating somewhat and dishing out the disclaimers and whatnot before we get this shindig on its way... First off, Robster80 does not own any of the characters used here in this fic. They each belong to their respective owners. This story is not his, either. It's based on the old Marx Bros. movie produced by RKO Pictures, which was also based on the play of the same name.  
  
Happyman: If this is Robster's interpretation of that movie, then this should be fun even if you haven't seen the original movie.  
  
Gotsumon: This play will be presented in script format to make things a bit easier to read. One more thing, it would be greatly appreciated if everyone in the audience please keep quiet during the performance.  
  
Arch: Our lips are sealed!  
  
Gotsumon: Okay then, without further ado... R80 proudly presents... Room Service - Anime Style! We begin in the dining room of the White Way Hotel, where our story takes place... *Exits*  
  
(Curtains open to a dining area. Spike is sitting at a table, reading a newspaper. Goku, dressed as a waiter, is standing beside him)  
  
Spike: (Looks up from paper at Goku) Well, what do you want? Can't a man have any privacy?  
  
Goku: (Hands Spike a paper, speaking in a Russian accent) The check, Mr. Miller.  
  
Spike: Oh, the check! Is it any good?  
  
Goku: Yes, sir.  
  
Spike: (Takes check) We'll soon find out. (Takes out a pen and signs the check before returning it to Goku) There you are.  
  
Goku: Thank you. Mr. Miller, many times I've seen your company rehearsing on the 19th floor. I would like to play the part of the Polish Miner.  
  
Spike: (Puts his paper away) My advice is to stay where you are. Many actors would be tickled to death to get as close to a lamb chop as you. And I do mean you.  
  
R80: (Offstage) Paging Mr. Gordon Miller! You have a phone call!  
  
Spike: Excuse me. (Gets up and goes to the phone at the desk. He picks it up) Hello?  
  
Faye: (Offstage) Gordon? It's me.  
  
Spike: Oh, Christine! Hello, babe! What can I do for you?  
  
Faye: I'll be a little late. I can't leave until Mr. Fremont goes to lunch.  
  
Spike: Well get over to the rehearsal as fast as you can. Don't forget I'm making a star outta you, and you only invested over $1000 in this play.  
  
Faye: Alright. Goodbye!  
  
Spike: (Hangs up the phone as Goku approaches him) What is it now, Sasha?  
  
Goku: Please, Mr. Miller, I want you to look at this review I received from a critic for my performance for my last play in Russia. (Show's Spike the review.)  
  
Spike: Interesting, and just when did he say that? (Bites into a pretzel)  
  
Goku: Just before he was shot by a robber. (Puts review away) It's just like in America, three and a half stars! And, in the second at... (Starts doing a Russian dance)  
  
Spike: (Joins in, dancing his own way)  
  
(Roger Smith enters from the side. One look at him, and Goku stops dancing and rushes off stage. Roger heads over to Spike, who also stops dancing.)  
  
Happyman: (Thinking) This is great! The meeting of two characters voiced by the same actor.  
  
Roger: Gordon, I wanna talk to you!  
  
Spike: Sorry, Joe, but I never like talking to a hotel manager on a full stomach.   
  
Roger: This whole thing is a terrible mess.  
  
Spike: (Walks to the elevator, followed by Roger) If you're referring to that meal I just had, you're dead right. And don't worry, Joe. Once I get a backer for my play, I'll have that bill paid off quickly. Things like these take time. You can't shake suckers out of your sleeves, after all. At least I can't. (Exits in elevator with Roger)  
  
Silencer: (Backstage, whispering) Hit it, Jetstorm!  
  
Jetstorm: (Whispering) Scene change, yo! (Throws a switch)  
  
(Curtain closes for a moment, then opens halfway to a hotel room. Spike and Roger enter.)  
  
Roger: Gordon, I'm in a terrible spot. Mr. Wagner, the supervising director, is downstairs in the office now, inspecting the books.  
  
Spike: Wagner?! I thought you said he wasn't coming for another two months?  
  
Roger: He walked in on me this morning unexpectedly. He'll discover your bill any second. $12,000 worth of credit to a shoestring producer... How will I explain it? If he finds out you're my brother-in-law, it could cost me my job!  
  
Happyman: (Thinking) Oh-ho, this is sweet!  
  
BGCrisis: (Whispers) Hate to be with them at a family picnic.  
  
Amuro: Same here.  
  
Spike: (Sits down on the edge of the bed and pulls out a cigarette) It was a business proposition, Joe. In exchange for rooms for my cast of 20 and myself, I give you a piece of the show. Don't forget, you begged to get in on the ground floor.  
  
Roger: (Sits on couch, facing Spike) You mean I was railroaded into it. By you and Flossie.  
  
Spike: (Gets up after lighting his cigarette) Do me a favor and keep your wife's name out of this! Do you realize that you're talking about the woman you love? Besides, she also happens to be my sister. On my mother's side.  
  
Duo: (Enters and speaks in an Italian accent) Hullo, boss! The rehearsal, she's a wonderful!  
  
Trowa: (Whispering) He doesn't do a bad Chico impersonation.  
  
Spike: Hello, Benelli!  
  
Duo: Yessiree, it'sa wonderful! I still think it'sa terrible play, but it makesa wonderful rehearsal. (Goes over and picks up the phone) Get me room service, please?  
  
Roger: (Takes phone and hangs it up) Just a minute, Benelli! You can't eat here anymore.  
  
Spike: Well, Joe, there's only one thing for me to do... I'll have to scram. (Heads for the closet and opens it)  
  
Roger: (Goes over to Spike) Gordon, I can't let you skip! You'll have to leave your luggage.  
  
Spike: (Pulls out several coats) Okay, I'll leave my luggage. But that doesn't mean we can't wear a lot of clothes. Hey, Benelli! Put on three of my suits!  
  
Duo: Just a sec, boss! I'm making a call. (Picks up the phone and dials a number) Get me room 1922, please. ...Faker? Here we go again. Come on down and give us a hand. (Hangs up)  
  
Roger: What are you planning now, Gordon?  
  
Spike: (Continues to bring out clothes from the closet) The cast is registered under my name, and aren't responsible for their own bills. What I'll do is skip out and have the cast re-register under their own names. This way, instead of one big bill, you have 21 little ones. (Lays out clothes on the bed)  
  
(The Phone rings. Duo answers it.)  
  
Duo: Hello? (Puts receiver down on the couch) Joe, it's for you. (Walks away to the bed)  
  
Roger: (Picks up the receiver) Hello? ...Oh, yes, Mr. Wagner. I'll be right down. (Hangs up) He hasn't found it, yet, but I think he's close to it.  
  
Spike: (Moves the last of his clothes to the bed) I'll be outta here in 15 minutes.  
  
Roger: (Heads for the door) Seventeen years in the hotel business, and I have to pull a stunt like this! (Exits)  
  
(Duo and Spike start putting on extra shirts and pants.)  
  
Duo: Well, it's like I always said, the hotel isa no good.  
  
Spike: I'm afraid you're right, Benelli. You mind putting me up for the night?  
  
Duo: Sure, but you'll have to sleep on the shelf.  
  
Spike: What about the floor?  
  
Duo: I'M on the floor.  
  
Spike: What happened to the bed?  
  
Duo: I can't get it out of the wall.  
  
(Vash enters the room.)  
  
Duo: C'mon, Faker! Give us a hand.  
  
(Vash nods and takes his coat off, revealing his pants but no shirt but a checkered tie. Most of the girls in the audience cover their eyes at this until Vash starts putting on the extra clothing.)  
  
Spike: I see he came prepared.  
  
Duo: No, he just don't believe in shirts.  
  
Spike: Oh, an atheist, eh? ...Say, maybe he can put me up for the night?  
  
Duo: At the Metropol? You wouldn't wanna stay there, boss. That's the worst flophouse on 5th Avenue.  
  
Spike: Well, then I guess I'll have to curl up on the shelf with you.  
  
Duo: Sure, you're much better off. Besides, you'd have to sleep sideways at his place.  
  
Spike: ...I thought he had a large bed.  
  
Duo: Yeah, but he'sa got five other guys living with 'em. They're packed in like a bunch of sardines.  
  
(All three men finish overdressing when Faye enters.)  
  
Faye: What, Gordon, running out again?  
  
Spike: Hello, beautiful.  
  
Faye: You can't leave! I found a backer for you. A man named Jenkins walked right into the office, asking to see Mr. Fremont. He said he had money he wants to invest in a play.  
  
Duo: What kind of a straight jacket did he wear?  
  
Faye: I talked him out of seeing Fremont. I told him all about you, Gordon, and he's reading a copy of "Hail and Farewell" right now.  
  
Spike: Too bad you made the appointment here. I dunno what to do. If I stay, I'll be thrown out of the hotel.  
  
Duo: If you don't stay, you'll lose the backer.  
  
Faye: But you must be here when he comes.  
  
(There's a knock on the door.)  
  
Faye: That might be him now.  
  
Spike: Man the pumps, boys! (Puts on his coat and hat, as do Duo and Vash, before going to the door and opening it, revealing TK.)  
  
TK: (Holding a travel bag in one hand and a typewriter case in the other) Mr. Gordon Miller?  
  
Spike: That's me.  
  
TK: I'm Leo Davis.  
  
Spike: Davis?  
  
Davis: (Dashes in the exit door) Somebody call for me? (Gets thrown out by the older DD quickly and quietly)  
  
Kari: (Thinking and sighing with relief) That was a close one!  
  
(Burter, Ginyu, and Recoome quickly seal off every door and passageway into the theater and backstage before the play goes on.)  
  
Spike: Davis?  
  
TK: Yeah, the author of "Hail and Farewell."  
  
Spike: Oh! Now I remember! Come on in.  
  
TK: (Enters the room with Duo closing the door behind him) I guess I should have wired you that I was coming.  
  
Spike: Oh no, that's quite all right. Don't mind the place, we were just cleaning up a bit. (Points at Faye) This is Miss Marlo, who's starring in your play. (Points at Duo) That's Mr. Benelli, my treasurer... (Points at Vash) and this is Mr. England, the brains of the organization.  
  
Vash: (Smiles proudly)  
  
Spike: That should give you an idea of the organization.  
  
Vash: (Frowns)  
  
Wolfwood: (Snickers from backstage)  
  
Silencer: Ssh!  
  
TK: (Takes off his hat) If you don't mind, I'll go down and register.  
  
Spike: You intend on staying here?  
  
TK: Well... there's something I think you ought to know. You see, I haven't any money to speak of. Not after I bought my train ticket back home in Oswego. I was counting on the advance.  
  
Spike: Davis, I'd be happy to lend you the money now, it's really no trouble... but my advice is for you to go home and wait till I send for you when we open, say... five or six weeks?  
  
TK: But I've left home for good. I've burned my bridges behind me.  
  
Vash: (Lifts up the back of TK's coat, looks, then lets go and shakes his head in disagreement)  
  
Spike: But think of those you left behind.  
  
TK: My mother seemed very happy when I left.  
  
Spike: Only a mother's mask.  
  
Ms. Takaishi: (Thinking) How true.  
  
Spike: At this moment, she may be seated by the fireside, wringing her handkerchief.  
  
TK: We have no fireside.  
  
Spike: You have no fireside?! How do you listen to the President's speeches?  
  
Faye: (Picks up the phone and dials information) ...What time's the next bus leaving for Oswego?  
  
TK: (Walks over to Faye) Excuse me, Miss Marlo-!  
  
Spike: (Grabs TK gently) You'll thank me for this someday.  
  
Faye: (Hangs up) The next bus leaves in 15 minutes. If you hurry, you can make it.  
  
TK: Wait a minute-! (Is being pushed to the now open door)  
  
Duo: It'sa air-cooled bus!  
  
TK: (Breaks himself free) Now just a minute! I don't want to appear rude, but if you people have lost interest in my play, I wish you'd just say so.  
  
Spike: We haven't-!  
  
TK: I'm sure Mr. Fremont would like to have my play. I got a letter of introduction from him before I left home.  
  
Spike: (Quickly) Davis, I'm beginning to see your point. You just don't want to go home.  
  
TK: Yes, that's it. (Comes back in)  
  
Spike: And besides, all you need is room and board right now, correct? That problem's solved: you'll move in with us!  
  
TK: No, I couldn't impose-.  
  
Spike: No trouble at all! You're my guest. This is liberty hall. (Lifts his hat off only to have it switched with another hat by Vash) By the way, if you do have any money, I'll gladly put it downstairs in my vault for safekeeping.  
  
Trio: (Whispers) Why is he volunteering to do that?  
  
Happyman: (Whispers) Groucho's characters were always notorious for swindling money from everybody, or trying to, anyway.  
  
TK: I have $67.  
  
Duo: You got $67, and you're asking us for an advance?!  
  
Spike: Heh! He's always clowning. (Glares at Duo slightly)  
  
TK: Well, if you don't mind then, I think I'll go wash up. (Takes off his coat)  
  
Duo: Why not? The rest of us are already washed up. (Leads TK over to the bathroom)  
  
Faye: Well, I'll have to ask Mr. Fremont for an advance on my salary. (Exits)  
  
Vash: (Takes TK's coat and bag and puts them on the table before giving him a towel)  
  
TK: Thank you. I still have some cinders in my ear from that train ride. (Enters the bathroom and closes the door)  
  
Spike: Save 'em for fuel, Davis. It looks like a hard winter.  
  
(Vash begins to rummage through TK's bag, tossing clothes out.)  
  
Spike: (Begins to undress the extra clothing, same as Duo) Faker, I'm surprised at you!  
  
Duo: Yeah, you shoulda be ashamed of yourself, robbing a stranger!  
  
(Vash ignores the others, taking out a pair of roller skates. He then pulls out a picture with a silver frame. He smiles, kisses the picture, and then tears off the frame before running out the door.)  
  
Duo: You know, I think he's reforming. He didn't steal the picture.  
  
Spike: Yes, that's the first encouraging sign I've ever seen.  
  
Duo: (Takes off the last of the extra pants he has on) Now I know how it feels to be Gypsy Rose Lee.  
  
Most of Audience: (Whispering) Who?  
  
Mr. Ishida: (Whispers) She was an entertainer.  
  
Ms. Takaishi: (Thinking) That's putting it mildly.  
  
(The phone rings. Spike, who has also finished undressing his extra clothes, answers.)  
  
Spike: Hello? Who wants Benelli? (Faces Benelli) Do you know any policeman?  
  
Duo: Policeman? What's his number? (Takes the receiver) Hello? ...What's that?! But officer, this is the first I hear of this-! (Nods his head a few times) Okie-doke, I'll be right over. (Hangs up) Well, whaddaya know about that? I've just been dispossessed.  
  
Spike: Dispossessed?! From that rattrap?  
  
Duo: (Eyes the typewriter case) I know what I'll do... I'll hock the typewriter!  
  
Spike: (Grabs the typewriter case at the same time as Duo does) Oh no, you don't!  
  
(The two fight over the case and the contents within.)  
  
Duo: You explain it to Davis!  
  
Spike: Never mind Davis, I'm gonna hock it myself!  
  
Matt: (Thinking) Heh, typical Groucho.  
  
Duo: I need it more than you do. The cop wants to give me a ticket because my moose head's blocking the fire pump.  
  
Spike: Wait a minute-!  
  
Duo: (Tears the case free from Spike's grasp) I can't wait! I gotta have it! (Opens the door) If I don't hurry, the cop is gonna dispossess me from the sidewalk! (Exits)  
  
TK: (Exits from the bathroom) That's a nice bathroom. (Sees his clothes scattered on the bed)  
  
Spike: Oh, I had a valet come up and lay out your things.  
  
TK: Thanks. (Goes over to the phone and sits on the couch)  
  
Spike: I'll go down and register for you. If anyone comes looking for me, I'll be back in a few minutes. (Exits)  
  
R80: (Backstage, whispering) Dim most of the lights on the room, then open the curtain the rest of the way and bring up the lights on that side!  
  
(Lights go out in the hotel room as the curtain opens fully to reveal the hotel office. Roger is sitting behind a desk while Gendo Ikari is standing beside him, holding a piece of paper.)  
  
Gendo: $12,000. Gribble, you said this Miller skipped out on you?  
  
Roger: Yes...  
  
Gendo: When did he?  
  
Roger: I... I'm not sure, Mr. Wagner.  
  
Happyman: (Whispering) This feels weird. I'm seeing one of the toughest anime characters intimidated, by Gendo Ikari even.  
  
Wufei: (Whispering) Who wouldn't be intimidated? That guy's the devil incarnate.  
  
Gendo: Gribble, there's just one thing I have to ask you... What in blazes goes on in that head of yours!? The credit limit of this hotel is $4,000.  
  
Roger: But Miller kept stringing me along, day to day... Showing me backers, telegrams. I never expected him to skip. Why, he's nothing but a crook, a deadbeat! If I find him, I'll have him arrested!  
  
Gendo: I'm sorry Gribble. That's not good enough. I'm afraid I'll have to charge you the difference between the limit and the loss, which is exactly $8,000.  
  
Roger: (Stands up) Mr. Wagner, I protest-!  
  
Gendo: Gribble, I was sent here to get this hotel out of the red. If I do, there's a vice-presidency waiting for me... and I won't let anything stop me! We're going up to Room 920 and investigating!  
  
Silencer: (Backstage, thinking) Now to change that office into the hallway of that floor while the curtain's drawn and the scene focuses on the room!  
  
(Lights dim on the office section, and the curtain closes on it. The lights go back up in the hotel room. TK is at the couch, on the telephone.)  
  
TK: Hello, is this the "We Never Sleep" Collection Agency? This is Leo Davis of Oswego. ...Yes, I fell behind on my payments for the typewriter, and they turned it over to you for collection. ...Well, if you would send someone over, I'd be only happy to pay off the balance or return the typewriter... I'm staying at the White Way Hotel, room 920. (Hears a knock on the door and turns to it briefly) Come in! (Goes back to the phone as Sakura comes in) ...Yes, thank you. Bye! (Hangs up and turns to see Sakura.)  
  
Sakura: Oh! I'm sorry, I must have the wrong room. I thought this was Mr. Miller's room.  
  
TK: (Stands up) It is. He'll be back in a few minutes. He went to register for me. Uh, whom may I ask was calling?  
  
Sakura: I'm the manager's secretary, Hilda Manney.  
  
TK: I'm Leo Davis, the author.  
  
Sakura: Oh. Well, I'll just drop by later. Nice to have met you. (Turns to leave)  
  
TK: Wait! (Walks over to Sakura) What did you say your name was?  
  
Sakura: Hilda. Hilda Manney.  
  
TK: I know of a Manney up in Oswego, my hometown. Is he a relation?  
  
Sakura: Oscar Manney?  
  
TK: That's him! He used to give me piano lessons.  
  
Sakura: Why, he's my uncle!  
  
TK: Well, whattaya know? Would you mind if we sat and talked for a while?  
  
(They sit down.)  
  
Sakura: Say, since you're the author of the play, maybe you can help me. The reason I came up here was about the play, anyway. You see, it's about an actor. One of the waiters here, actually.  
  
TK: Someone you like?  
  
Sakura: Oh, I think he's wonderful. You see, he was an actor in the Moscow Arts Theater, and I was wondering if he could audition for "Hail and Farewell" as the Polish Miner for Mr. Miller, or maybe even you. He's a middle-aged man, and he's getting very discouraged lately...  
  
TK: I understand. But, I just can't see you with a middle-aged man.  
  
Sakura: (Bursts into laughter) No, no, no! It's nothing like that. He's just a friend, and we both respect that. I'm trying to do him a favor, is all.  
  
TK: (Gives off a goofy grin) My apologies. Say, would it be okay if I see him now? Who knows? I may be discovering a terrific actor.  
  
Sakura: That would be wonderful! I'll take you to him and we'll watch him together.  
  
(As they get up to leave, the curtain reopens again and the lights come up to reveal the floor's hallway. TK and Sakura exit the room and go over to the elevator through the hallway. As they vanish, Gendo and Roger emerge from another elevator door and go into the now empty room as the curtain draws again.  
  
Gendo: No one's here. You say this Davis checked in here without the room being cleaned up?  
  
Roger: It appears so.  
  
Gendo: Gribble, the more I look into this, the more I don't understand. But I do know one thing: there's a screw loose in this hotel, and I'll find it even if I have to lock out everyone in the hotel! You allow this chiseler to check in. And allow him to check in 21 other people. 21 People I can't even find-!  
  
Duo: (Enters, carrying a small suitcase and a large mounted moose head. He sets them down on the couch and Gendo and Roger walk over to him)  
  
Gendo: Are you Davis?  
  
Duo: Huh?  
  
Gendo: Mr. Miller, then?  
  
Duo: Nope, wrong again.  
  
Gendo: (Turns to Roger) Jumping butterballs, they've checked in another one! That makes 22! What kind of people have we in here anyway?! (Is interrupted by the ringing of the phone) I'll get it. I left a message to call me up here if anything else comes up. (Heads for the phone)  
  
Roger: (Looks at the moose head, then at Duo) Say, how did you ever get that through the revolving door?  
  
Audience: (Thinking) I'd be wondering that myself.  
  
Heero: (Thinking) Typical of Duo.  
  
Duo: That was the fun part.  
  
Gendo: (Picks up the receiver) Hello? Wagner speaking. What's that? I'll be right down! (Hangs up and turns for the door) Gribble, you stay here! There are 19 people downstairs in the dining room, and charging it all to Miller! (Opens the door, then faces the other two) Jumping butterballs! (Exits, slamming the door)  
  
Duo: He's mad.  
  
Roger: I don't think we've seen anything just yet. Where's Gordon?! I thought he was skipping!  
  
Duo: He's not the skipper he used to be. We found out we may have a backer, so we changed our plans.  
  
Roger: Yes, and Wagner's charging me $8,000 of Gordon's bill! Me, personally!  
  
Spike: (Rushes in with a smile) Kiss me, Joe! Christine found me a backer!  
  
Roger: (Sits on the bed, dejectedly) Backer, backer, I'm so sick of hearing that word! And who is this Davis that checked in with you?  
  
TK: (Enters on cue) Someone call for me?  
  
Roger: (Stands up) Are you Davis? (Walks over, but is being blocked by Spike)  
  
Spike: Calm down, Joe!  
  
Roger: Have you any money?  
  
TK: Just $67. Are you from the "We Never Sleep" Collection Agency-?  
  
Roger: I'm the hotel manager! Davis, Miller owes me $12,000 for staying in this room, and if you move in with him, I'll charge you for half of it!  
  
TK: What kind of a hotel is this?! You move in and you owe $6,000 right away!  
  
Spike: He's just excited-.  
  
Roger: I am not! Gordon, you haven't got a dime, and you never will have! All you ever did was take advantage of me!  
  
(The phone rings. Spike rushes over to answer it.)  
  
Spike: (Picks the receiver up) Hello? This is he. (Smiles) ...Oh, yes, Mr. Jenkins! Come on right up! (Hangs up and turns) Joe, that was him! We're outta the woods! (Walks over to throw the clothes back into the closet) Now, you go down and tell Wagner that if he doesn't behave himself, I'll buy this hotel and make him a bellhop. (Quickly) No, that's too good for him! I'll make him a guest!  
  
Roger: You're serious, this time? There's really a backer on his way up now?  
  
Spike: Yes, now gimme fifteen minutes so I can work out the deal and get the dough.  
  
Roger: (Heads for the door) Wagner told me not to leave this room, but I guess this is more important.  
  
Spike: You bet it is!  
  
(Roger exits. TK sits on the bed, unhappy.)  
  
Spike: (Sees TK's expression) Well, what's the matter with you, Oswego?  
  
TK: Just a little disappointed, I guess. You wrote me and said that you were a great manager!  
  
Spike: I am a great manager! A manager never puts his own money into a play.  
  
TK: And you all seemed so nice... I thought I was joining some kind of club.  
  
Duo: Look, this is how it'sa done. Every honest producer has a backer behind him. A manager puts his own money in the play... (Snaps his fingers) right away, you know he's a crook.  
  
(There's a knock on the door.)  
  
Spike: Sssh! (Straightens his tie and adjusts his coat) Money. (Goes to the door and opens it to reveal Char, still wearing his mask and helmet) Mr. Jenkins, I presume?  
  
Char: And you must be Mr. Miller.  
  
Sayla: (Shakes her head and closes her eyes) Big brother...  
  
Char: (Enters) A pleasure to meet you. Miss Marlo has spoken very highly of you.  
  
Spike: Yes, I'm sure. (Points at Duo) This is my treasurer, Mr. Benelli. And that is Mr. Davis, my author.  
  
Char: How do you do, gentlemen? (Shakes hands with Duo and TK)  
  
TK: It's a pleasure, sir! I've never met a real backer before.  
  
Duo: (Clears off the couch to make room) Won't you sit down?  
  
Char: Oh, thank you. (Sits down on the couch and removes his helmet, but not his mask) Now, gentlemen, I represent a man who is interested in investing $1,500,000 into this play of yours.  
  
Duo: Who is he? Do I know him?  
  
Char: You see, there's a young lady involved...  
  
Spike: And she would like a small part?  
  
Char: How did you know?  
  
Spike: (Brushes his hair back with his hand) It came to me in a dream, Mr. Jenkins. Seriously, though, I'm sure we can find a part for her. Of course, it may involve changing a line or two...  
  
TK: I won't change a line of it! Shakespeare didn't change any lines in his play!  
  
Spike: Shakespeare didn't know $1.5 million! Anyway, we could have her play as one of the miners.  
  
TK: But the miners are all men.  
  
Spike: Do me a favor, Davis, and kindly keep sex out of this conversation! I've never produced anything but clean plays!  
  
Tai: (Thinking) Too bad we can't say the same for Robster...  
  
Char: Well, I'll let you make out the necessary papers and we'll meet again at, say, ten thirty tomorrow morning.  
  
Spike: Ten thirty tomorrow at your office?  
  
Char: Why not here?  
  
Spike: You mean, up here?  
  
Char: I'd prefer it, if you don't mind. There's always the risk of publicity.  
  
Spike: ...Very well, we'll be expecting you. You couldn't make it tonight, could you?  
  
Char: No, I'm afraid not. (Stands up and puts his helmet back on) Good day, gentlemen. It's a pleasure to see such energy... (Looks at Duo) and youth. (Exits through the door)  
  
Duo: (Gets up and starts chanting while dancing) We got a backer!  
  
Spike, Duo, TK: (All dancing and chanting with glee) We got a backer! We got a backer...  
  
(Roger enters the room. Spike, Duo, and TK stop and face him.)  
  
Spike: Joe, we're saved!  
  
Duo: We got $1,500,000!  
  
Roger: (Breaks into a smile) That's great!  
  
Spike: I'll have the check by 10:30 tomorrow morning.  
  
Roger: (Smile fades) Couldn't you get a couple thousand on account?  
  
Spike: It would have spoiled everything if I had.  
  
Roger: We got to have money now! Wagner's furious!  
  
Faye: (Bursts into the room through the door) Gordon, the entire cast is down in the lobby! They've been locked out of their rooms!  
  
Spike: (Faces Roger) He can't do this to me! If I lose my cast, I'll sue him. If I lose my backer, I'll kill him! (Turns to leave, but is stopped by Roger)  
  
Roger: Gordon, don't make this any worse!  
  
Duo: What about the cast? They have to stay someplace.  
  
Spike: What about the ballroom? That should hold them.  
  
Roger: And if Mr. Wagner goes in there?  
  
Duo: They'll start dancing if he does.  
  
Roger: Okay then... (Pulls out a key) Here's the ballroom key.  
  
Faye: I've got it! (Takes the key)  
  
Spike: Tell the cast to do soft shoe dancing.  
  
(Faye exits. TK starts throwing his clothes into his bag.)  
  
TK: I'm getting outta here!  
  
Duo: (Goes over to TK) But you can't leave!  
  
TK: I don't want to lose my clothes, they're all I got! (Sees Gendo enter the room and freezes) Uh-oh!  
  
(Everyone looks at Gendo, who looks at Spike.)  
  
Gendo: Who is this? They check somebody else in?  
  
Roger: No... This is Mr. Miller.  
  
Gendo: So, you didn't skip after all...  
  
Spike: Mr. Wagner, I demand you reopen the rooms on the 19th floor! The occupants are my guests, and I'm responsible for their bill!  
  
Gendo: And who is responsible for yours? Davis?  
  
Duo: I'm responsible for Davis.  
  
Gendo: (Walks over to TK and Duo) And who are you? (Points at TK)  
  
TK: I'm Davis.  
  
Gendo: (Eyes TK's bag filled with clothes, then faces Roger) Gribble, he's skipping right under your very nose!  
  
TK: I am not skipping!  
  
Duo: Sure! We're just bringing some things in.  
  
(Duo and TK start unloading the bag and placing the clothes on the bed. When Gendo turns away to Roger and Spike, however, they start putting the clothes back into the bag.)  
  
Gendo: Miller, your bill is $12,000. Are you going to pay or not?  
  
Spike: Mr. Wagner, you have an empty theater that you haven't used in over 3 years. This is your chance-.  
  
Gendo: Not interested! I'll give you twenty minutes to pay up or else-  
  
Spike: I'll be locked out of the hotel?  
  
Gendo: I see you're familiar with hotel procedure. And don't try the old gag of staying in the room. I'll force you out! I'll send up painters, fumigators!  
  
Spike: You should have sent in fumigators weeks ago.  
  
Gendo: Come on, Gribble! (Goes over to the door as Roger exits) I'll pull this hotel out of the red if I have to check into every room myself, by godfrey! (Exits)  
  
TK: ...Now I am gonna lose my clothes.  
  
(Vash soon enters, carrying a folding canopy bed with several pots and pans. He sets them down in front of Spike.)  
  
Duo: What happened?  
  
(Vash looks at Duo and starts to whistle while making several hand gestures)  
  
Duo: (Understanding Vash) No!  
  
(Vash nods and whistles)  
  
Spike: What did he say?  
  
Duo: Howdoya like that? Just because he owes six months rent, they threw him outta his place!  
  
Spike: (Shrugs) Well, sixty dollars is sixty dollars. ...I take it he intends to stay here?  
  
TK: You mean four of us in one room?!  
  
Spike: Ah, let's not forget the painters and fumigators. But let's fight it out, men! We have to keep this room until ten thirty tomorrow or we're doomed!  
  
TK: We'll have to sleep in shifts!  
  
Duo: I'll take the night shift.  
  
Spike: That's fine. You take the night shift, I'll take the day shift, (finishes in a somewhat Scottish accent) and Ay'll be in Scotlan' befor' ye.  
  
TK: (slightly miffed) Is there a tourist camp in the neighborhood? (Heads for the bathroom to get his things)  
  
Spike: Wait a minute! Suppose one of us got sick?  
  
Duo: That's an idea! They can't throw a sick man out! It's against the law!  
  
Spike: Remember, I had kidney trouble at the Waldorf, and gall stones at the Plaza.  
  
Duo: Those were the days!  
  
Kei-chan: (Thinking) Spike looks like he could do the same thing...  
  
Spike: You bet. ...But I can't do it. Wagner'll see right through me... Get in that bed, Benelli-!  
  
Duo: That'sa no good! I'm not registered!  
  
Spike: (Looks at Vash) Faker, you get in that bed-!  
  
Duo: That'sa no good, too! He's not registered!  
  
(TK comes out of the bathroom and starts to pack. Spike, Duo, and Vash look at him, then at each other, getting an idea.)  
  
Kei-chan: (Thinking) Why are they looking at TK like that... uh-oh!  
  
(Kari is giggling at what she knows will happen, having read the script. Spike, Vash, and Duo surround TK.)  
  
Spike: Davis, what's wrong with you?  
  
Duo: Yeah, you look terrible.  
  
TK: (Clueless) I feel fine.  
  
Spike: No, you don't!  
  
(The three grab TK and start to tear his coat and shirt off. The DD are all laughing at this the loudest.)  
  
TK: (Struggling to free himself) What's the idea-?!  
  
Spike: You gotta play sick!  
  
TK: But I'm in perfect health! (Is tossed onto the second bed, shirtless)  
  
Spike: No, you have a contagious disease!  
  
Duo: Yeah, the measles! (Goes for TK's pants.)  
  
*First one to make a hentai crack about this gets a knuckle sandwich!*  
  
TK: I've had the measles!  
  
Spike: It's a relapse! Faker, get the iodine!  
  
(Vash dashes into the bathroom as Duo removes TK's pants, revealing his boxers. Some of the girls in the audience are either laughing, like Kari, or covering their eyes until TK is tossed under the bed covers.)  
  
TK: Can't I at least have a disease with my clothes on?!  
  
(Vash comes back with a small bottle of iodine and a pasta strainer. Duo holds TK down and puts a hot water bottle on his head while Spike makes a quick sign that says "Measles." Vash pours the iodine into his mouth, then puts the strainer to his face and starts to spit the iodine onto TK's face and upper body. When he's finished, TK looks like he has the measles.)  
  
Duo: That'sa beautiful! (To Vash) You're a second Michelangelo!  
  
(Spike goes out into the hall to hang up the sign on the room's door. He sees Gendo, Ginyu, Burter, and Recoome exiting the elevator, and he dashes back inside the room to the bed.)  
  
Spike: Here comes trouble! (Hold's TK's right wrist and looks at his watch, pretending to take his pulse)  
  
Gendo: (In the hall) They're in room 920, and I want them out right now!  
  
Ginyu: Leave it to us!  
  
(They got to the door, and all but Gendo see the measles sign. They begin to back away slowly)  
  
Recoome: Not me, boss!  
  
Burter: Me, neither!  
  
Ginyu: Same here! (Follows his friends' lead and makes for the elevator)  
  
Gendo: (Confused) What the-? (Sees the sign, then turns to the audience, frustrated) Jumping butterballs!  
  
(Curtains close to the laughs and applause. Gotsumon steps out from the curtains.)  
  
Gotsumon: This ends Act I. We'll break for about 20 minutes before resuming. Feel free to stand up, stretch, and go get refreshments, but remember no food or drinks in the theater, no smoking, and no going backstage, please!  
  
Trio: This is getting interesting!  
  
Happyman: Remind me to ask Robster to borrow the film.  
  
Tai: It's on VHS, Happyman. He'll let you know when the DVD comes out, if ever.  
  
Happyman: Oh drat!  
  
Backstage...  
  
Vash: (Scrubbing his mouth clean) That iodine tastes terrible!  
  
Wolfwood: It added humor, though.  
  
TK: (Is dressed again save for the top, and is scrubbing his face) What are you complaining about? I nearly got some in my eyes! (Faces R80) Did they have to see me in my boxers?  
  
R80: Would you rather the audience see you without them, or with the boxers with Kari's name and pictures on them?  
  
TK: I'll shut up.  
  
  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
  
Author's notes: R&R please! Lemme know how I'm doing so far! PS, thanks to BGCrisis for the boxers gag.  



	3. Act 2

ROOM SERVICE: ANIME STYLE  
  
ACT II  
  
  
  
R80: How we doing?  
  
Silencer: Tenchi's almost ready, but he doesn't come on till later in the scene like Goku does. TK, Spike, and Duo are all set.  
  
R80: Good, good! What about Vash, Gendo, Roger, Char, Exedore, Sakura, and Faye?  
  
Char: We'll be ready; don't worry.  
  
Exedore: Um, I'm afraid we have a slight problem... Ryoga's missing.  
  
R80: Oh. (Does a double-take) ...What?! How the hell-?! Never mind, just see if you can find him! Send out the Fenrirs if you have to.  
  
Exedore: I took the liberty of sending them out. But what if we cannot find him?  
  
Gotsumon: Curtain's going up in 3 minutes for Act II.  
  
Silencer: Who could we get on such short notice?  
  
R80: Fortunately, I took the liberty of hiring an understudy. Leave it to me. (Aside to Char) Go get Arch!  
  
  
3 minutes later, onstage...  
  
  
(Gotsumon comes out from the curtains.)  
  
Gotsumon: And now, folks, we present act 2 of Room Service! We open at Room 920 of early the next morning... (Exits)  
  
(Curtains open to reveal the bedroom on most of the stage, still the same as before. TK is now in pajamas and has an icepack tied to his head. He and Duo are looking out the window while Spike is on the one bed, playing solitaire.)  
  
TK: (Turns away from the window) I'm starving! I gotta have some food soon or I'm gonna pass out.  
  
Duo: (Faces TK) Whattayou griping for? We're just as hungry as you are.  
  
TK: (Sits on his bed, which is the outer bed) But you fellas are used to it. I've never gone without food for eighteen hours before.  
  
Happyman: Eighteen hours? Egad!  
  
Spike: (Not looking up from his cards) It's all a matter of willpower if you put your mind to it.  
  
(Duo sits a bit down from Groucho, on the same bed)  
  
TK: My mind's made up, but I can't do anything about my stomach.  
  
Spike: How about a two-handed game of pinnacle while we're fasting?  
  
Duo: Nah, I'm just gonna concentrate on food. (A minute of silence) If there was only something left we could hock.  
  
(Spike eyes the moosehead hanging over the beds and stands up)  
  
Kai: There's an idea.  
  
Amuro: Nah, that's too easy.  
  
Spike: How 'bout that moosehead?  
  
Duo: (Stands up quickly) Oh no, you don't! I shotta him with my bare hands! I ate-a him up to the neck, but I refuse to part with the rest-a 'em!  
  
Heero: Definitely something Duo would do.  
  
Spike: (Walks to the middle of the room) If I could get my watch out of hock, I'd hock it again.  
  
Duo: (Sits back down and puts his fists under his chin) I'm so hungry, I see spots before my eyes.  
  
TK: Me, too.  
  
Duo: ...Mine are beginning to look like hamburgers...  
  
Spike: If you see one with onions on it, save it for me.  
  
TK: ...My mother's the best cook in Oswego.  
  
Spike: (Sounding defeated, and tired of the whining) Alright, alright, you're breaking my heart! (Goes to the couch and picks up the phone) Room service!  
  
Duo: (Walks over to Spike) Use a different dialect this time.  
  
Spike: (In a lighter, and somewhat British voice) 'Ello? This is Dr. Glass. Glass, the house physician. The patient in room 920 is very ill, and must have food immediately. ...Just developed a tapeworm.  
  
TK: (Looks at Spike funny) "Tapeworm?"  
  
Spike: (Goes back to his regular voice, sounding defeated again) I see... (Hangs up the phone) They said the tapeworm would have to register.  
  
TK: (Gets up and storms over to Spike and Duo) Two hours ago, you told me Faker was coming back here with a turkey! That he'd won in a raffle!  
  
Duo: Maybe he's getting it stuffed.  
  
Spike: I didn't say he won it, exactly. I said he was going to win it. After all, he's running the raffle. He has as good a chance as anyone else.  
  
TK: All you've done is take advantage of me! You stole my roller skates, you pawned the silver frame off my mother's picture, and you even took my sixty-seven dollars out of my pocket while I was asleep!  
  
Spike: Well, I had to feed a cast of nineteen actors.  
  
TK: (Walks back and forth between the couch and the beds) I wasn't here five minutes when you pawned my typewriter. That isn't even my property! I still owe money on it. Why, I may even be arrested! (Eyes go wide and he stands still) ...Gee!  
  
Spike: What's the matter?  
  
TK: (Puts his hand to his head) My head's going around! (Rushes to Spike's bed and jump on it so he's laying on his back)  
  
(Spike and Duo rush up to the bed)  
  
Duo: Must've been something you ate.  
  
(There's a sudden knock on the door)  
  
Spike: (To TK) In that other bed, quick!  
  
(TK jumps to the other bed and hides under the covers, pretending to be sick. Duo is buy his side, pretending to take TK's pulse. Spike opens the door, to reveal Goku in his waiter's uniform.)  
  
Spike: (Relieved and surprised) Oh, it's you.  
  
Goku: (Bows slightly) How do you do, Mizter Miller?  
  
TK: (Sees that it's only Goku, and sits up in bed) Oh, hello, Mr. Smurnov.  
  
Goku: (Sees TK in bed and walks in) Oh! I am zorry! You're not feeling vell, Mizter Daviz?  
  
TK: (To Spike and Duo) I promised Mr. Smurnov we'd hear him play the part of the Father.  
  
Goku: (Bows) Thank you, Mizter Daviz!  
  
Spike: (Gets an idea) Well, we might have a part for him... Don't we, Benelli?  
  
Duo: Well, maybe.  
  
Spike: Stand over there, Sasha!  
  
(Goku moves to the center of the room.)  
  
Spike: Turn around once.  
  
(Goku does this)  
  
Spike: What do you think, Benelli?  
  
Duo: He looks just right to me. ...I could eat 'em raw.  
  
Chichi: Not if Goku eats him first, tee hee!  
  
Gohan: Ssh!  
  
Spike: (Shoots a look at Duo that says "that's not what I meant!" Then faces Goku) Sasha, could you get us a meal out of the hotel?  
  
Goku: But they cut you off room zervice!  
  
Spike: I know, but maybe you could mix things up, like deliver the right meal to the wrong room?  
  
Goku: Deliver a meal to the vrong room?  
  
Duo: (Jumping in) We got a terrific part for you.  
  
Goku: (Smiles at the offer) A terrific part?  
  
Spike: yes, but it's so terrific that unless Dvais gets some food in him, he'll be too weak to tackle it. I'm not asking for a meal for myself...  
  
Audience: (Thinking) Yeah, right!  
  
Spike: But if you let a great American playwright starve to death, his blood will be on your hands. Do you know what the penalty for murder is in this country?  
  
Goku: Vell... I juts left a big order in zervice elevator. I got to deliver it upstairs, but... I don't know. You zee, I take big chance...  
  
Spike: Might lead to a Hollywod contract.  
  
Goku: (Very excited now) HOLLYVOOD?! Gentlemen, you are zinging music in my earzide! ...But if Mizter Wagner zould find out-!  
  
Spike: Think of the other Russians who made it big in the same way.  
  
Goku: Three yearz, I zlave in kitchen! I no got courage. But now, I got courage! I do it! (Rushes out the door)  
  
Vegeta: Heh, he usually runs like that when it's time for dinner.  
  
TK: (Amazed) He sure has a lot of talent.  
  
Duo: Sure, I once saw him carry twelve dishes at one time.  
  
(There's another knock on the door, more gently. Spike opens it to reveal Tenchi, who is in a light brown suit and tie and wearing glasses. Spike and Dup stand so that Tenchi can't see TK.)  
  
Tenchi: How do you do, gentlemen?  
  
  
Backstage for a moment...  
  
Silencer: You sure Ryoko and Ayeka can't get in?  
  
R80: I got Washu to design a security system that rejects anyone who has the DNA of those two women automatically if they come within 5 feet of the building.  
  
Silencer: I shoulda thought of that.  
  
  
Back to the stage...  
  
Tenchi: Is there a Mr. Leo Davis here?  
  
Spike: And who might you be?  
  
Tenchi: (Pulls out a business card) My name is Timothy Hogarth. I represent the "We Never Sleep" Collection Agency.  
  
(Spike tosses a quick glance at TK, who quickly hides under the bed.)  
  
Happyman: Uh-oh! The repo man.  
  
Spike: (Shakes Tenchi's hand and leads him in so Duo can close the door) Come in, Mr. Hogarth! It's a pleasure to meet a man who never sleeps!  
  
Duo: Yes, you must come up and take-a nap sometime.  
  
Spike: Say, maybe we can all go into Vaudeville together? You never sleep and we never eat.  
  
Tenchi: Yes, well, I'm here to see Mr. Davis about his typewriter. Is Mr. Davis in?  
  
Spike: No, he isn't.  
  
Tenchi: Oh. When will he be back?  
  
Spike: Mr. Hogarth, I have some bad news for you. Mr. Davis is never coming back.  
  
Tenchi: Oh! Gone away?  
  
Spike: They took him away.  
  
Tenchi: Is he... ill?  
  
Spike: Worse than that, he went crazy.  
  
Tenchi: But, er, I understand he just arrived from Oswego.  
  
Duo: No, he escaped from Oswego.  
  
Kari: The Marx Bros. at work... amazing how good they can con people.  
  
Tenchi: Poor man. Well, there is a matter of four hundred and seventy dollars on his typewriter.  
  
Spike: I'm afraid you'll never get it.  
  
Duo: He tore up all his money.  
  
Tenchi: He must be mad. (Shakes his head sadly, as do Spike and Duo) Well... in that case, I'll have to take back the typewriter.  
  
Spike: Oh, he took it with him.  
  
Tenchi: To a madhouse?  
  
Duo: He likes to hear the little bell ring.  
  
Tenchi: (Nods in understanding) Well... I've never made a collection at a madhouse before, but... I have my orders. (Heads for the door, slowly, then faces Spike and Duo) Where did you say they took him?  
  
Spike: The maternity hospital.  
  
Tenchi: Maternity hospital?! But I thought you said he was crazy.  
  
Spike: If he wasn't crazy, he wouldn't go to the maternity hospital, would he?  
  
Kai: (Whispers) Nice logic.  
  
Tenchi: I see. (Reaches for the doorknob)  
  
Duo: You can't miss him. Second straightjacket to the left.  
  
(Tenchi nods at Duo, then opens the door to leave.)  
  
Spike: Oh, and, uh, don't mention any of this to the hotel staff.  
  
Tenchi: Oh no. I understand. Good day, gentlemen. (Exits)  
  
Spike & Duo: Good day! (Shake hands with each other once the door closes)  
  
TK: (Sits up again in bed) You shouldn't have told him a thing like that!  
  
Duo: Why not? You can't sue a lunatic.  
  
Amuro: (Thinking) I wouldn't be so sure.  
  
TK: But they may send a letter to my mother-!  
  
Spike: So what? Your mother knows you're not crazy.  
  
Mrs. Takaishi: A little secretive, maybe, but not crazy.  
  
TK: I dunno where I'm at! Mr. Gribble says I owe six thousand dollars, downstairs they think I have a tapeworm, and that man thinks I'm a lunatic!  
  
(At that moment, Vash enters. He has something hidden under his trenchcoat, and a smile on his face.)  
  
Duo: Did you getta the turkey?  
  
(Vash nodes, and then opens his coat to shoe he has a live turkey, played by Hawkmon, by the leg. It gobbles and flaps its wings in an attempt to escape.)  
  
TK: Food! (Gets out of bed)  
  
Spike: Shut the door, quick!  
  
(Duo slams the door shut as Hawkmon frees himself and flies about the room looking for an exit. The others chase him around until he flies out towards the audience and out the one air duct in the roof. Spike and the others watch him fly away, then sit on the floor and sulk.)  
  
Spike: Well, we had no cranberries, anyway.  
  
(At that moment, Goku enters, bringing in a pushcart with plate sof food on top of it.)  
  
R80: (Backstage) I hope he didn't eat any of the food.  
  
Goku: Gentlemen, I bring you banquet.  
  
Duo: Food!  
  
(The four rush at the pushcart and pull up chairs to sit and eat. Goku smiles at his work.)  
  
Goku: I'll come back for the dizhez. (Exits)  
  
Spike: (As he grabs some food) Snap the lock, Sash!  
  
(The lights dim as the four continue to eat. Minutes later, the lights come up and the food is all gone. The four sit at the pushcart and smile as their bellies are now full. Vash is eating several bananas he hid under his coat.)  
  
Spike: Well, I hate to double-cross that Russian waiter, but we can't fire the actor we got. He's been rehearsing seven weeks now without pay.  
  
TK: You mean you promised him a part just to get a meal out of him?!  
  
BGCrisis: Typical Groucho thing to do.  
  
Spike: That's not entirely true. When I made the offer, I was prepared to go through with it. But, now that I've eaten, I've seen things in a little different light.  
  
(The phone rings suddenly. Spike calmly reaches over and takes the receiver.)  
  
Spike: Hello? (Hands the phone to TK) For you, Davis.  
  
TK: (Takes the phone) Hello? ...Oh hello, Hilda. ...No, I'm not really sick. I can explain everything! ...Alright, I'll meet you down in the lobby right away. Goodbye. (Hangs up and goes to get his shoes and coat on)  
  
Spike: (Stands up with Duo) Where are you going?  
  
TK: I'm going to meet the woman I love!  
  
(Vash keeps eating his bananas while Duo and Spike try to stop TK from leaving.)  
  
Spike: But you're supposed to be sick! That's the only thing keeping this play alive, that we have a sick man in the hotel-!  
  
TK: Now listen, fellas, You starve me and rob me, and I went along with it because I thought I owed it to the play. Well there's one thing that's more important than any play, and that's love! It's only comes once in a lifetime! (Heads for the door)  
  
Spike: (Heads him off) Well, once is enough for me!  
  
TK: (Now really mad) I'm going now! And I'll brain any man who tries to stop me! (Opens the door)  
  
Duo: That's-a fine thing! Yesterday, we wanna you to go home, you dun wanna go home! Now we wanna you to stay, you wanna go! Make up you're mind!  
  
TK: My mind IS made up! (Exits, slamming the door)  
  
Trowa: And TNT says they know drama.  
  
Spike: "Love." He sounds just like one of the characters in his play.  
  
Duo: I dunno. I like-a love.  
  
(They walk over and sit around the pushcart with Vash.)  
  
Spike: I like it, too, but there's a time and place for it.  
  
Duo: I like it anytime. (To Vash) Hey, Faker, how 'bout you? Was you ever in love?  
  
(Vash nods and pulls out a miniature blonde doll from his coat. He gives it a squeeze and it emits a sound like a small cry. He then gives it a quick kiss and puts it back into his coat.)  
  
Duo: Of course I like 'em a little bigger.  
  
(Door knocks again.)  
  
Duo: I'll get it. (Gets up and opens the door to reveal Faye, who is holding a large grocery bag in her arms) Hello, Christine.  
  
Faye: Hello. (Walks in and sees the pushcart and the remains of the food) Where'd this banquet come from?  
  
Duo: One of the waiters wants to be an actor.  
  
Faye: And I borrowed ten dollars from the porter, dashed out of the office, and expected you boys to be gnawing on the carpet. (Puts the bag atop the cart)  
  
Spike: Got the contract?  
  
Faye: Copied it right off of Freemont's best. It's in the bag, next to the corn beef sandwich.  
  
Spike: (Looks in the bag) Is this is with the mustard on it?  
  
Faye: Uh-huh.  
  
Spike: (Pulls out the contract) I think I'm gonna like this. I never had a contract with mustard on it.  
  
(Vash puts his hand into the bag and pulls out a sandwich wrapped in plastiwrap. Without unwrapping it, he bites into the sandwich, wrapping and all.)  
  
Tai: He's half goat.  
  
(There's yet another knock on the door, this time more forceful. Everyone looks at the door.)  
  
Gendo: (From behind the door) Open the door!  
  
Spike: (Not too loudly) Wagner! (A bit louder) Faker, get in that bed and play sick! Christine, you have to play nurse!  
  
(Spike puts the contract in his coat pockte as Vash dashes for TK's bed and takes off his coat, still eating a banana. Faye tosses off her coat and hat and pulls out a nurse's cap from her pocket. Duo is searching around for something.)  
  
Spike: (To Vash) Get that banana outta your mouth!  
  
Duo: (To Spike) Where's-a the iodine? He's supposed ta have the measles.  
  
Spike: Never mind that, he's supposed to have a tapeworm now.  
  
(There's more banging on the door. Spike rushes over to unlock it.)  
  
Spike: Just a minute, Mr. Wagner! There' seems to be something wrong with this lock.  
  
(Spike takes a quick look back. Faye is dropping grapes into Vash's mouth as he lies in bed under the covers. Duo is on the other side of the bed, pretending to take Vash's pulse. Seeing this, Spike opens the door. Gendo immediately rushes in once the door is open. Spike starts to close the door, but Roger then enters. Spike tries again, but Exedore comes in, wearing glasses and carrying a small doctor's bag. Spike looks out into the hall to make sure no one else is about to come in before he closes the door.)  
  
Gendo: (Looks at and points at the pushcart) Miller, where'd this meal come from?  
  
Spike: Dr. Glass ordered it for the patient.  
  
Exedore: (Looks at Spike, a little angry) Dr. Galss did nothing of the kind!  
  
Spike: (Glances at Exedore) I refuse to argue with a house detective.  
  
Exedore: I'm not a detective, I'm a doctor! Dr. Glass!  
  
(Spike does a double take at Exedore and smiles apologetically.  
  
Gendo: I wanna know how this meal got up here! Can't I get to the bottom of anything?! They check in, they check out, they skip, they don't skip, they get sick, and now this food! I'll fire that waiter! I'll fire the whole darn kitchen!!  
  
Faye: (Looks back at Wagner) SSH! Quiet, please! There's a patient in the room.  
  
Spike: Mr. Davis has a tapeworm.  
  
Gendo: (Makes his way to the bed with the others.) Last night it was the measles!  
  
Spike: I'm not responsible for complications. He also has laryngitis. We had to get a nurse.  
  
Gendo: (Looks at Vash) Wait a minute! This isn't Davis! I met Davis yesterday, and he didn't look anything like that.  
  
Spike: Yes, it's shocking. The man's aged ten years on account of the service in this hotel.  
  
Kari: Good one.  
  
Gendo: Well, his hair wasn't as blonde yesterday!  
  
Duo: It's-a rare case. He's gotta blonde-colored tapeworm.  
  
Gendo: There's something screwy about this! Miller, would you consent to having this man moved to a hospital at the expense of the hotel?  
  
Spike: It's up to Dr. Benelli. What do you think, doctor?  
  
Duo: The patient is too sick to be moved!  
  
(Faye moves aside to stand next to Spike as Exedore moves closer to Vash and puts on his stethoscope.)  
  
Exedore: (To Vash) How do you feel, young man?  
  
Duo: He's hungry all the time.  
  
Exedore: Please let the patient speak for himself!  
  
Duo: How can he speak when he's got laryngitis?  
  
Exedore: I insist the patient speaks for himself!  
  
(Vash burps suddenly.)  
  
Spike: There, you heard what he said!  
  
Faye: I'd wish you'd hurry, doctor. It's time for the patient's nap.  
  
Gendo: He won't sleep till we find out what's going on! Miller, you've committed fraud! The only thing preventing me from throwing you out is the remote possibility that this man may have some sort of disease.  
  
Exedore: His pulse is normal.  
  
Duo: That's what you think you little quack!  
  
Exedore: Quack?! I refuse to be insulted! Doctor, I question your ethics! I'll have you investigated! (To Vash) Say "Ah!"  
  
(Vash tries to say "ah," but being the silent character, he can only mouth the word. Exedore keeps asking him to say "Ah." Duo reaches down and grabs the tiny doll from Vash's coat and slips it in his hand under the covers. Vash squeezes it to sound like he's saying "Ah.")  
  
Spike: He'll never be able to see the tapeworm that way.  
  
Matt: Not unless he has a telescope.  
  
Gendo: (To Roger) Gribble, I thought you knew better!  
  
Roger: Now Mr. Wagner-!  
  
Gendo: Allowing yourself to be hoodwinked by this chiseler-!  
  
Roger: (Starting to get angry) This I all unnecessary! I handle my guests in a different way-!  
  
Gendo: (Almost screaming) And I don't like your way! It's not the White Way way! (He slams his fist into his other hand with each word, starting with "not.")  
  
(Vash starts to toss and turn in bed as Exedore tries to examine his throat.)  
  
Roger: I won't allow you insult my guests-!  
  
Gendo: What guests?! The whole darn nineteenth floor is empty!  
  
Roger: YOU locked them all out!  
  
Gendo: And I'll lock out every other floor in this hotel!  
  
Roger: You and who else?!  
  
Spike: Would you please take your argument down to your offices? There's a sick man up here.  
  
Gendo: For goodness' sake, doctor, do something! Get him healthy, get him out of here!  
  
Spike: Now calm down, Wagner! My backer will be here any minute.  
  
Gendo: I'm not interested in your backer!  
  
(Exedore wraps Vash up in the blankets from the bed and escorts him to the bathroom door.)  
  
Spike: Where are you taking him?  
  
Exedore: I always respect the modesty of my patients!  
  
(Exedore opens the door and leads Vash in, closing the door behind him. Duo goes to the door and peaks in through the keyhole for ten seconds before looking back at the others quickly.)  
  
Duo: I'll step outta the case!  
  
(At that moment, Tenchi rushes in and stands in the hall doorway.)  
  
Tenchi: I have terrible news! He's disappeared!  
  
(Spike, Duo, and Faye walk over to Tenchi. Gendo and Roger watch, confused.)  
  
Spike: Disappeared?  
  
Tenchi: He's not at the maternity hospital.  
  
Spike: They've transferred him.  
  
Tenchi: Oh!  
  
Spike: To the county hospital.  
  
Duo: Go, my friend!  
  
Spike: Before they transfer him again!  
  
Tenchi: But, what-?!  
  
Faye: There's no time to lose! Scram!  
  
Spike: (Raises his right arm in a salute) Hail and farewell!  
  
Duo: (Same) Hail and farewell!  
  
Faye: (Same) Hail and Farewell!  
  
Tenchi: (Getting into the spirit, does the same) Hail and farewell! (Exits quickly)  
  
Spike: (Faces the others) Wonderful!  
  
Duo: Terrific!  
  
Faye: Sensational!  
  
Spike: I didn't think he could do it. How'd you like that, Wagner? That was a scene from our second act.  
  
(The phone rings.)  
  
Gendo: (Heads for the phone) Miller, I've been a hotel man for twenty years! I've met all sorts of-. (Picks up receiver) Hello? ...Yes, this is Mr. Wanger. ...What's that? Nineteen people?! (Pulls receiver away) Jumping butterballs! (Faces the others) Nineteen people have been discovered living in the ballroom! (Into the receiver) Throw 'em out! (Hangs up) Come on, Gribble! We'll see about this!  
  
(Roger and Gendo make for the door. As Roger exits, Spike tries to stop Gendo.)  
  
Spike: Now Wagner-!  
  
Gendo: (Does the salute) Hail and Farewell! (Exits, closing the door behind him)  
  
Spike: (Faces the others) They're gonna throw my entire cast out of the hotel... ...Christine, get down there and tell 'em all to wait in the lobby!  
  
Faye: Right! (Exits quickly)  
  
(At this moment, Exedore and Vash exit from the bathroom. Vash, still wrapped up in the blanket, makes for the one side of the bed to put his coat back on. Exedore goes for his back to put his tools away.)  
  
Exedore: That man is perfectly healthy. Mr. Wagner will be happy when I tell him so.  
  
Spike: (Grabs Exdore by the arm) Listen to me for one minute doc; tell him tonight, tomorrow, but not now!  
  
Exedore: I'll tell him right now! (Tries to shake his arm free)  
  
Spike: I'll give you a piece of the show-!  
  
Exedore: I don't want a piece of the show!  
  
Spike: (Makes Exedore look at him while Duo steals the bag and puts in in the bathroom) I'll put your name in the program-!  
  
Exedore: I don't want my name in the program! Put that fake doctor's name in the program, whatever his name is! I'm going down now and tell-! (Notices his bag is gone, looks around) Where's my bag? What have you done with my bag?!  
  
Duo: (Calmly) You must've left it ina bathroom, doc.  
  
(Exedore immediately heads for the bathroom. After exchanging looks, Duo and Spike follow him and close the door. There are the sounds of scuffling as well as raised voices by the three from behind the door. Vash, who is finally back in his coat, heads for the window to look out. Although the audience can't see what he's looking at, the blackened half of the stage is lit up to reveal a park bench nearby the building. TK and Sakura appear and sit on the bench as Vash, standing in an angle, pulls out a telescope and uses it to get a better look at the couple. TK sneaks a kiss on Sakura's cheek, surprising her. Vash smiles and looks away, blushing and acting giddy as if he had been kissed.)  
  
Kari: (Thinking to herself aloud) It's just a play. Sakura's not stealing TK. TK's not into Sakura.  
  
Tai: (Whispers) A bit louder, sis, I don't think they heard you.  
  
Sakura: Y-you shouldn't have kissed me.  
  
TK: I couldn't help it. I've done anything like that before.  
  
Sakura: (Smiles) But I'll forgive you because you were so nice to Sasha.  
  
(The park goes black and the two exit in the darkness, as a "gobble, gobble" sound is heard. Vash looks to one side out the window. Then, he quickly races out the door into the hall, closing it behind him. At that moment, Duo and Spike exit from the bathroom, closing the door behind them.)  
  
Duo: Well, I guess that'll hold that fake doctor-a while.  
  
(The phone rings. Spike rushes to pick it up)  
  
Spike: Hello? ...Speaking. Oh, yes, come right up, Mr. Jenkins! (Hangs up the phone and faces Duo) Benelli, he's here! The backer, he's here!  
  
Duo: Santy Claus!  
  
Spike: Neckties! (Looks around) Faker! Hey, Faker! (Looks out in the hall) Faker! (Closes the door as Duo hands him a tie. He puts it on and ties it) He's run out on us! That makes two sick men running around! You know, Benelli, we may start an epidemic in this town. (Finishes with the tie) You go down and see if you can find him! If Wagner catches sight of him, we're sunk!  
  
(The door knocks again. Duo hides behind it as Spike opens the door to reveal Char, who walks in.)  
  
Spike: Ah, Mr. Jenkins! Come right in!  
  
Char: (Enters) Thank you. I see we're all alone today.  
  
(Duo sneaks out the door as Spike closes it behind him.)  
  
Spike: Yes, I thought things would be better this way. (Leads Char over to the cart and the contract) I have the contract right over here, a hundred and fifty shares made out in the name of Simon Jenkins.  
  
Char: Transferable, of course? (Views over the contract as he sits in a chair)  
  
Spike: Of course!  
  
Char: Very well, everything seems in order... Well, you're going to see the signature on the check anyway, so you might as well know who your backer is. *Pulls out the check and hands it to Spike) You ever hear of-?  
  
Spike: (Eyes widen at the signature) Zachery Fisk?!  
  
Char: Zachery Fisk himself. Now the check is made out to me, personally, but I'll just endorse it over to you.  
  
Spike: (Reads name of bank and city on check, and frowns) Clover City, California. That means it'll be five days before I get the money. I was hoping to get started today.  
  
Char: Young energy. Well, I'll have my bank wire a certification to yours if it'll help.  
  
Spike: (Brightens up) If it isn't too much trouble.  
  
Char: No trouble at all! In fact, I'll make a note of it. (Pulls out a pad and pen and writes down a note)  
  
Spike: Now, Mr. Jenkins, if you'll be so good enough to sign the contract...  
  
Char: Of course. (Puts pad away) Oh, and Mr. Miller, please remember the name of Zachery Fisk must remain in the background.  
  
Spike: Mr. Jenkins, you have my word, and you know what that's worth.  
  
(Just as Char is about to sign the contract, Gendo bursts in and walks over to the beds. He looks at Spike as the others look at him.)  
  
Gendo: Where's Davis?  
  
Spike: (Rushes up to Gendo and talks softly) Will you go away? This is the deal I told you about-!  
  
Gendo: Miller, you can't put me off any longer! Now even your phony sick man is disappeared, and that gives me every right to demand this room immediately!  
  
Char: (Points at Gendo) Who is this?  
  
Gendo: (Notices Char) Never mind who I am, who are you?  
  
Spike: (Quickly) Look, you can't take those pictures yet!  
  
Char: Pictures?  
  
Spike: Mr. Wagner here is my press agent, he has an idea-.  
  
Gendo: I only have ONE idea!  
  
Char: Press agent?! That means publicity-!  
  
Spike: Oh, but it concerns the cast-.  
  
Gendo: I'm here for money!  
  
Spike: I have the check-!  
  
Gendo: Whose check?  
  
Spike: "Whose check?!" Mr. Jenkins happens to represent one of our greatest-!  
  
Char: Mr. Miller!  
  
Gendo: I've had it with you! Do I get my money, or don't I?  
  
Spike: For Pete's sake, Wagner, will you get out before I fire you!  
  
Gendo: FIRE ME?! Who do you think you're talking to?  
  
Char: (Stands, leaves contract on the table) I don't like this!  
  
(Just then, Duo and Roger enter the room, closing the door behind them.)  
  
Duo: (Takes one look in the room and stops) Sorry, wrong room! (Grabs Roger and tries to leave)  
  
Char: (Points at Duo) Isn't that your treasurer?  
  
Spike: (Rushes over to Roger) Mr. Gribble, I demand you take Wagner away!  
  
Gendo: Gribble, take Miller away!  
  
Spike: (Quickly, to Gendo) Shut up! (Quickly and quietly, to Roger) Joe, help me out here, I practically have the check in my pocket!  
  
Roger: (Faces Gendo) Now Mr. Wagner, please calm down!  
  
Gendo: I won't calm down till Miller's out!  
  
Char: (Walks over to Spike) Are you trying to blackmail me?!  
  
Spike: (Offended) Mr. Jenkins!  
  
Roger: See what you've done? Miller's my brother-in-law, I'll vouch for him!  
  
Audience: Uh-oh.  
  
Kai: (Whispers) Now they're in for it!  
  
Gendo: Brother-in-law? Now I see it clearly. Gribble, you've committed fraud! I'm calling the police!  
  
Char: (Panicked) Police?!  
  
(Roger tries to stop Wagner from calling the police while Spike and Duo try to calm down Char.)  
  
Char: Let me out of here! I'm not interested in shysters; I'm going for a real investment!  
  
Spike: But Mr. Jenkins-!  
  
(Char heads for the bathroom door, thinking it's the exit, but when he opens it, out falls Exedore, tied up and gagged. All eyes are on Exedore.)  
  
Char: AAAHH!!! GOOD HEAVENS! HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!  
  
Roger: Dr. Glass!  
  
Gendo: They've kidnapped him!  
  
(Gendo and Roger head for Exedore while Duo and Spike follow Char to the door leading to the next hotel room.)  
  
Duo: Look, Mr. Jenkins! First place, we didn't do it, second place, we dunno who he is!  
  
Spike: He could be left over from the last convention!  
  
(BACKSTAGE)  
  
R80: Okay, switch to next room, now!  
  
(ONSTAGE)  
  
(The scenery quickly changes to the next room. Duo, Char, and Spike enter and then pause to see Vash chasing the turkey/Hawkmon around the room, with a baseball bat.)  
  
Spike: (To Char) How do you like it? It's a scene from our second act.  
  
Char: I don't like it.  
  
Duo: You dun like it, we'll give you another scene. You can have any scene you want.  
  
(Vash strikes at Hawkmon with the bat, but instead destroys several vases as the chase continues around the room. At one point, he hits Char on the head, knocking him out. Spike and Duo catch the limp Char and set him in a nearby chair. Spike pulls out the check and fans Char with it.)  
  
Duo: Whatta we do now?  
  
Spike: Don't look at me, you're supposed to be the doctor.  
  
(The scene suddenly switches back to the other room, where Gendo and Roger are still untying Exedore, who sits on the bed, his back to the audience.)  
  
Gendo: Don't worry, I'll get Miller for this. I'll put them all behind bars, including gribble!  
  
Roger: Shall I get you a drink?  
  
Gendo: Are you all right?  
  
(Exedore stands up and glares at Gendo, no longer having his back to the audience, but now at Roger.)  
  
Exedore: I haven't been all right since you came to this hotel!  
  
Gendo: (To Roger) You see what your brother-in-law did? His mind's wandering.  
  
Exedore: My mind's NOT wandering! I don't blame Miller for tying me up! He had a perfectly good reason; he was transacting a legitimate deal! I hold YOU responsible for what he did to me! You drove him to it!  
  
Gendo: Say, you're not Miller's brother-in-law, too?!  
  
Exedore: All I know is that Zachery Fisk is backing his play, and that's good enough recommendation for anybody!  
  
Gendo: (Shocked) Zachery Fisk?!  
  
Exedore: I heard every word in the bathroom. That man you insulted was an agent from Mr. Fisk. He has a check for Miller signed by Fisk himself!  
  
Gendo: (Upset greatly) Fisk! Why didn't Miller tell me?!  
  
Exedore: Because he's afraid of publicity! Because he's afraid of YOU!  
  
(At that moment, Roger steps forward to Gendo, his anger resurfacing.)  
  
Roger: Yes, everybody's afraid of you! You steamed into this hotel like a tugboat, took charge without faith in anyone's judgment, nobody can talk to you! Jumping butterballs!  
  
Happymanguy: (Thinking) Go, Roger!  
  
Exedore: (Crosses to the door to the hall) I'm THROUGH with this hotel, Mr. Wagner! (Faces Roger & Gendo) I'll thank you to remove my shingal from the elevator! (Exits)  
  
(Spike & Duo re-enter, carrying a slightly weak Char by the arms.)  
  
Char: Gentlemen, I'm very tired from all this. Could you please show me out?  
  
(Gendo & Roger quickly rush up to the three. Gendo has changed his expression from fear and anger to calmness.)  
  
Gendo: Excuse me, Mr. Jenkins? I want to apologize. There's another Miller in the hotel.  
  
Roger: (Quickly) He had the bills confused.  
  
Gendo: These gentlemen have plenty of credit.  
  
Char: I don't care about-! (Tries to walk away)  
  
Gendo: I had no idea Zachery Fisk was involved.  
  
Char: (Faces Gendo, looking pale) Zachery Fisk, how did you-?  
  
Roger: Dr. Glass heard everything in the bathroom.  
  
Char: Dr Glass?! Who told-?  
  
Gendo: It's all right!  
  
Roger: We'll keep it quiet.  
  
Spike: (Holding onto the check) Now, Mr. Jenkins, if you'll be good enough to sign the check...  
  
Char: No, no! Lemme go-!  
  
(Char is lead over to the table to sit down.)  
  
Char: Please, gentlemen! I... I have a faint heart-.  
  
Duo: (Pulls out a pen quickly) Well, you'd better hurry, here's the pen!  
  
Spike: It'll only take a minute.  
  
Char: (Giving in) Anything, just let me leave afterwards.  
  
(Duo turns around and leans forward. Char puts the check on Duo's back and signs it before handing it over to Spike.)  
  
Gendo: And we'll be happy to have you as a guest, Mr. Jenkins, entirely without charge.  
  
Char: (Gets up) Thank you, but just the same, I'm going... straight to my doctor. (Heads for the closet, mistaking it for the exit) Good day, gentlemen. (Opens the closet dorr, and gets bombarded with cans and Vash's folding bed) WILL YOU PLEASE SHOW ME THE RIGHT WAY OUTTA HERE?!  
  
Spike: This way, Mr. Jenkins! (Opens the door out to the hall.) Goodbye, sir.  
  
Gendo, Duo, Roger: Goodbye!  
  
(Char exits quickly. Spike, smiling at the check in his hand, sits down in the chair. He is surrounded by Gendo, Roger, and Duo.)  
  
Gendo: Well, Miller, I'll take that check now.  
  
Duo: No, you don't! I'M the treasurer, so-.  
  
Spike: Oh no! I'll hold onto it. As soon as the check clears, which will be in five days, I'll pay the bill.  
  
Gendo: I'd be happier if you deposited the check in our bank, actually.  
  
Spike: What will I do for money?  
  
Gendo: You can draw against the check, and as soon as it clears, we'll hand over the balance.  
  
Spike: I dunno. This is a shaky hotel. How do I know you won't go into bankruptcy?  
  
Gendo: Well, I'll make out an agreement addressing the money to you, personally.  
  
Duo: How do we know your credit is good?  
  
Gendo: (Getting fed up) I want this bill wiped off my first report! And I can't do that unless I have a check deposited against it.  
  
Roger: Oh, Gordon, for once in your life, pay a bill!  
  
Happymanguy: (Thinking) Too bad he's not paying me that money.  
  
Duo: Ah, you might as well do it.  
  
Spike: (Giving in) All right, I'll do it for you, Joe. (Signs the back of the check, then hands it over to Gendo).  
  
Gendo: Thank you, Mr. Miller.  
  
Spike: And I'd like to move out this drowsy little dungeon, Wagner. I want the best suite in the hotel.  
  
Gendo: I'll give you the bridal suite.  
  
Spike: All right, and about three brides.  
  
Gendo: I'm sorry I mistrusted you. (Shakes Spike's hand) Goodbye, sir.  
  
(Roger & Gendo exit. A minute later, Faye & Vash enter. Spike rushes up to Faye.)  
  
Spike: Christine, I'm paying a bill!  
  
Faye: (Hugs Spike) Darling!  
  
Duo: That's-a fine, but what about-a the cast, boss?  
  
Faye: That's right, they can't stay in the lobby.  
  
Spike: Everybody move back in again! The hotel's wide open!  
  
(At that moment, TK enters, looking down.)  
  
Spike: Davis, we're in the money!  
  
Duo: 1.5 million!  
  
TK: I just spoke to Mr. Jenkins.  
  
Spike: Then he told you?  
  
TK: He told me. He's going to stop payment on the check. He said he only endorsed it so he could get out of the hotel.  
  
Spike: But he can't do that! He signed the contract-! Or did he?!  
  
(Everyone rushes over to the table where the contract is. Spike picks it up and examines it. A second later, he shakes his head sadly.)  
  
Audience: Ouch.  
  
TK: I feel sick. (Sits on the one bed)  
  
Spike: (Drops contract) Four months to get it, and one minute to lose it. (Gets angry) They can't do this! I'll sue the hotel for five million dollars!  
  
Duo: You ain't gotta leg to stand on.  
  
Spike: I'll sue Zachery Fisk; I'll sue Jenkins!  
  
Duo: He didn't sign the contract.  
  
Spike: (Sits in chair and sulks) There must be somebody I can sue.  
  
(Faye pats his shoulder gently, trying to comfort him. Duo & Vash start to clean out the closet, getting ready to skip again.)  
  
TK: I'm sorry... but I guess I'll have to take my play to Mr. Freemont.  
  
Faye: (Looks at TK) But you can't do that! It's all we have.  
  
TK: I know that. But-.  
  
Faye: (Rushes to TK and kneels in front of him) No, you don't understand! We've been working on this for five months! I've missed my lunches for rehearsals.  
  
TK: I can understand... but, I can't wait another five months. I gotta earn some money now.  
  
Faye: You're thinking of Hilda, aren't you?  
  
TK: Not only that, but-.  
  
Faye: Well, if it's the waiter you're worrying about, he'll get the part. (Looks at Spike) Won't he?  
  
(Spike can only nod.)  
  
TK: Gee, I dunno what to say. If we only had another backer!  
  
Spike: (Stands up, having an idea) Davis, we have a backer! Wagner's putting that check through his bank, isn't he?  
  
TK: So?  
  
Spike: So, for five days, we have 1.5 million dollars worth of credit.  
  
Faye: (Catching on) Gordon, you're not thinking-?  
  
Spike: Why not? We're all rehearsed; we can open in five days!  
  
Duo: (Wearing a bunch of coats) Sure! All we need are scenery and costumes!  
  
Spike: We can charge it to the hotel.  
  
TK: But, it's illegal-!  
  
Spike: Relax, Davis! Wagner is backing the play. "Jumping butterballs!"  
  
(Vash whistles a happy tune as he shakes Spike's hand. TK shakes his head, knowing what may happen. The lights dim and the curtain falls as the audience claps. Gotsumon appears onstage.)  
  
Gotsumon: End of Act 2. Act 3, coming up shortly.  
  
  
  
To be concluded...  
  
  
Next: It's opening night of the play, and Spike and the crew are trapped in the bridal suite. Why? And what was that phone call for Gendo about? It's the final act of ROOM SERVICE: ANIME STYLE!  
  
Be here! -R80 


	4. Act 3

ROOM SERVICE - ANIME STYLE  
Act 3  
  
By Robster80  
(Backstage, everybody is gearing up for the final act. Vash and Silencer are checking the machinery to make sure nothing goes wrong, while Arch is finishing getting into his costume.)  
  
Arch: (To R80) How do I look?  
  
R80: Like a bank agent.  
  
Arch: Perfect!  
  
(Exedore comes running up to the two.)  
  
Exedore: It seems we have one more problem.  
  
Arch: Let me guess... Ryoga's back?  
  
Exedore: Nothing so trivial. It's Miss Sakura. She's... come down with laryngitis. Her voice is gone.  
  
R80: (Smiles) No worries. (To Goku) Hey, porcupine! C'mere!  
  
(Goku comes up to R80, who whispers in his ear. Goku then nods, and leaves.)  
  
Arch: Who you got to be Sakura's understudy?  
  
R80: Now you oughta know better than that!  
  
Spike's voice: We're about ready for the last act!  
  
R80: Okay, then! We need a few more minutes for Sakura's understudy to get dressed, and then we go on!  
  
Arch: ...I wonder where Ryoga is right now?  
  
R80: So do I, 'cause now I owe money to Digifan316 since he beat Ryoga would get lost before he had to come on. I'll murder him when and if he shows up here again! TK, Spike, Vash, Duo, come over here...  
Minutes later...  
(The curtain goes up to reveal the bridal suite, where Roger sits in a chair while Spike stands in front of a mirror. Spike is in a tuxedo, minus the jacket, and is tying his bowtie.)  
  
Spike: Well, Joe, in about 30 minutes, our fortunes will be made. Your 10 percent of the show will make you a rich man. Maybe you and Flossy can get a bridal suite, too.  
  
Roger: I certainly hope so. That waiter looks great in his part. How'd you think of casting him?  
  
Spike: *Finishes with his tie* Sasha? The minute I laid eyes on hi, I figured he was a great actor. I can spot 'em a mile away, especially if I'm hungry.  
  
(A knock is heard from the door.)  
  
Spike: Come in!  
  
(Enter Arch, holding a receipt.)  
  
Arch: There you are, Mr. Wagner. They told me you was up here.  
  
Roger: *Looks at Roger suspiciously* "Mr. Wagner?"  
  
Arch: *Holds receipt out to Spike* Would you mind signing this receipt again?  
  
Spike: Er, not right now. Come back later.  
  
Arch: But the bank clerk rejected your signature.  
  
Roger: *Stands up* This man is NOT Mr. Wagner! Let me see that receipt, I'm the hotel manager. *Takes the receipt*  
  
Arch: Not Mr. Wagner? No wonder that signature's no good.  
  
Roger: *Reads the receipt, and pales* Good heavens!  
  
Spike: It's just as big a blow to me, Joe-.  
  
Roger: The check. It bounced!  
  
Arch: I walks into your office this morning, and this uy claims to be Mr. Wagner and signs the receipt.  
  
Spike: *Ushers Arch towards the door* Look, you go back to the bank and tell them Mr. Wagner can't be reached!  
  
Arch: But his signature-!  
  
Spike: Come back in the morning! *Slams the door shut after throwing Arch out*  
  
Roger: *Slowly sits back down, hiding the receipt* 1.5 million dollars...  
  
Spike: Now don't get panicky, Joe! Pull yourself together. And, for Pete's sake, don't tell Wagner!!  
  
(As if on cue, Gendo enters with a smile on his face, carrying a bottle of champagne in one hand and a wreath with the label "success" in the other.)  
  
Gendo: I was saving my little surprise for now. *Sets the wreath down on the nearby sofa.*  
  
Spike: Why Wagner. I'm overwhelmed.  
  
Gendo: Well, you're a guest in good standards now. Of course, you still owe us a little bill. *Starts laughing.* Well, shall we begin the celebration?  
  
Spike: Not just yet. I need to freshen up a little. *Exits to the bathroom.*  
  
Gendo: *Opens the champagne* Well, Gribble, despite how I really feel about that chiseler, I think this was a good gesture. Say, you're looking pale tonight.  
  
Roger: I... I just don't feel very well.  
  
Gendo: Must've been that fish we had for dinner. The food in this hotel isn't worth the price of a sandwich. Say, imagine a shrewd business manager like Fisk putting his stock in a piece of cheese. *Starts laughing.*  
  
Roger: *Looks paler, nearly bursts into tears.*  
  
Gendo: *Is about to ask Roger what's wrong when the phone rings. Goes over and answers it.* Hello, Wagner speaking. Who is it? Sure, put him on. *To Roger.* It's a clerk from my bank. *Back to phone.* Hello. Yes, this is Mr. Wagner. ...Verify what signature? Hold on... *To Roger.* Did you sign my name to a receipt earlier today?  
  
Roger: Why, uh, no.  
  
Gendo: Seems some check came back. Probably some mistake.  
  
Roger: *Gets up quickly.* I have to get a headache powder. *Exits quickly.*  
  
Gendo: *Goes back to the phone.* I'll take this up with my bookkeeper, I assure you-! What's that? Zachery Fiske?! Did you investigate? HE STOPPED IT?!?! *Puts a hand over the mouthpiece of the phone as he starts to whine.* NO! Nononononononononono! *Back to phone.* In the morning, in the morning... *Hangs up.* In the mor-hor-horning!  
  
(At that, Spike can be heard singing from the bathroom. Gendo starts charging for the bathroom door, but then stops himself, getting a idea. He sneaks back to the phone and quietly calls for someone. As he hangs up, Duo walks in, wearing a light-colored suit and hat.)  
  
Duo: You know what, Wagner? You're-a lucky man. You're in-a the hotel business. No worries at all. You just sit back, and let the dough roll in.  
  
Spike: *Exits form the bathroom, fully dressed in a tuxedo.* Well, Brother Wagner, let's start the champagne flow! *Pours a glass for himself and then for Duo.* I hope you don't mind if Benelli joins us?  
  
Gendo: *With a devilish smile.* Ohh no! In fact I insist. But I intend t make it a REAL party. I just need to step out for a little bit, though. *Heads for the door.* Now don't go away. *Exits.*  
  
Duo: I'd lie to get-a license to hunt Wagner. He'd look great alongside-a my moose.  
  
TK: *Enters wearing a tuxedo and a fedora.* So what's the big surprise? I just saw Mr. Wagner out in the hallway, and he insisted I come in and have a drink. He's gone down to get Faker, too. He said he had a big surprise for the four of us. I always thought they celebrated after the premiere, not before.  
  
Spike: *Hands a glass to TK.* In this case, you celebrate before. It's awfully hard to celebrate when you're running from an audience who wants their money back.  
  
(The phone suddenly rings, and Duo answers it.)  
  
Duo: Hello? *Looks at Spike.* It's Gribble.  
  
Spike: *Takes the phone.* Yes, Joe? ...What's the matter? Who told him?! Joe? Joe!! *Slowly hangs up, then sits down with his head resting in his hand.*  
  
Duo: Wagner found out?  
  
Spike: They called him from the bank.  
  
TK: What's he gonna do?  
  
Spike: Joe couldn't talk.  
  
TK: I don't see why you're so upset about this. Mr. wagner was bound to find out sooner or later. There's nothing he can do about it now. I'm going down and face him! *Heads for the door.*  
  
Spike: Maybe the kid's right. Come on!  
  
(Spike and Duo make for the door, which TK has already gone out, but they stop when they hear voices.)  
  
Ginyu's voice: Hey, you! You're not allowed to leave that room!  
  
TK's voice: You can't keep me in there!  
  
Ginyu's voice: Oh, can't we?  
  
Duo: The house detectives!  
  
(Ginyu and Burter shove TK back into the room.)  
  
Ginyu: And you guys stay in there!  
  
TK: You can't do this to me! I'm the author!  
  
Burter: *Tosses TK his hat.* Here's your hat! *Exits with Ginyu, closing the door.*  
  
Spike: Oh, what's the use? I give up. *Goes over to the sofa and sits next to the wreath.* I've got actors in their dressing rooms, scenery on the stage, and I gotta sit up in a hotel room, waiting to be arrested.  
  
TK: *Sits in an easychair.* Gee, I never thought I'd be arrested for writing a play.  
  
Duo: *Check his watch.* Curtain goes up in 20 minutes.  
  
Spike: *Tears off the "success" banner from the wreath before checking his watch.* 19 minutes.  
  
TK: Hilda and I were gonna be married right after the show.  
  
Duo: Congratulations.  
  
TK: I suppose they'll take our fingerprints.  
  
Duo: They got mine.  
  
TK: You've been in prison before?  
  
Duo: Sure, it's not so bad. You behave yourself, they make you a trustee. You know, if we had some money, we could bribe those house detectives.  
  
Spike: *Smiling weakly.* Maybe the hotel will advance us some.  
  
(The door opens and Vash is pushed into the room. He's wearing an old miner's costume, with a cap that has a mini-torch, lit, and a cape.  
  
Burter: And stay in there! *Exits.*  
  
(Vash motions his arm like he's about to strike at Burter, though he's gone.)  
  
Spike: Well, the quartet's complete. What do we do now, sing "Sweet Adeline?"  
  
Vash: *Nods eager before going over to start drinking the champagne out of the bottle.*  
  
Duo: Hey, I know what we can do! We'll turn in the fire alarm. We start a riot and slip out in the confusion.  
  
Vash: *Gets an idea, then goes over to the nearby wastebasket and turns it over, emptying the many papers in it.  
  
Spike: We can't have an alarm without a fire.  
  
Duo: Okay, then we'll start a fire.  
  
Vash: *One step ahead, he gathers the paper together before using his cap's torch to light a fire. He then sits on the upside-down basket in front of his growing fire, smiling at his work.*  
  
TK: FAKER, NO!  
  
(TK and Duo rush over and start stomping out the fire. Vash starts to whistle a tune while clapping his hands in rhythm. Spike turns from his seat to watch as the two finish putting out the fire.)  
  
Spike: Well, even with the fire, we still have 15 minutes before the opening. Anymore bright ideas, Benelli?  
  
Duo: ...How about the window?  
  
(Vash rushes to the window and look out of it.)  
  
Duo: How high up are we?  
  
Vash: *Lets out a whistle that sounds like "wow" before putting his hand up over his head, which puts his hand over the flame on his cap, burning it.*  
  
Duo: No, that's too high. *Goes back over to the sofa while TK leans over the fireplace.* There must be an easier way of killing yourself.  
  
TK: I once killed myself. *Gets a look from Spike.* I mean that was my initiation into the fraternity. They made me do a phony suicide. I scared my chemistry professor stiff.  
  
Spike: Really? This chemistry professor really thought you'd committed suicide?  
  
TK: Yeah. He was gonna send for an ambulance.  
  
(A few seconds later, TK and Spike both begin to smile before looking at each other. They get the same idea. TK starts to point at Spike s if he's about to speak, but Spike points back at him.)  
  
Spike: That's just what I was thinking!  
  
Duo: You mean-?  
  
Spike: Sure! He drinks a bottle of poison, we have to rush him to the hospital. The house detectives have to let us through.  
  
Duo: Yeah, but we ain't got-a three chemistry professors standing out there.  
  
Spike: We'll make it look authentic! Faker, you help Davis! He starts screaming, we rush in, and there you are.  
  
Duo: Dead as a herring!  
  
TK: No, not dead. Just dying.  
  
Spike: Exactly. You're still alive, you're in great danger.  
  
TK: And then we get past the guards, sneak into the theater, and see the show!  
  
Spike: Yes!  
  
TK: You wouldn't think I came from Oswego five days ago.  
  
Spike: Okay, you and Faker get into that bathroom while we go out and start yelling. And remember, count up to fifty before you start dying.  
  
TK: I know what to do! *Exits into the bathroom with Vash.*  
  
(Suddenly, Gendo walks on followed by Roger.)  
  
Gendo: Well, how do you like my surprise? In about 20 minutes when the show is in full swing, the sheriff will come and take every bit of scenery off the stage! Right in view of the audience!  
  
Spike: Wagner-!  
  
Gendo: And now you'll have the pleasure of hearing me call my lawyer who'll contact the police! *Goes for the phone.*  
  
Spike: Mr. Wagner, please-!  
  
(Groans start coming from the bathroom, along with whistling for help.)  
  
Gendo: What's that? *Points at the bathroom door.* Who's in there? *Opens the door.* Good heavens! *Rushes in, followed by Roger. They pull out a groaning TK who's clutching a bottle of poison and has a black liquid trailing down his chin. Vash comes out and stands next to Spike and Duo.*  
  
Roger: It's a suicide!  
  
Gendo: He drank a whole bottle of poison!  
  
TK: Ooooh... *Looks at Gendo.* You, you drove me to it! Oooooh!  
  
(Spike, Duo, and Vash exchange looks of amazement at TK's performance. Then they follow as Gendo and Roger carry TK over to and lay him on the bed.)  
  
Gendo: It'll be all right, Davis! *Faces Spike.* Why didn't you stop him?!  
  
Spike: I didn't take him seriously when he said you were driving him to suicide. I suppose I'll have to testify that at the inquest.  
  
Gendo: *Pales before turning to face Roger.* Well, don't just stand there, get that house doctor up here!  
  
Roger: He resigned, should I call for an ambulance?  
  
Gendo: No, you blockhead; that means publicity!  
  
Duo: *Stands beside the bed while Vash is on the other side, moving TK's arm like a pump.* He's going fast.  
  
Gendo: *Now really worried.* No, wait! No, wait, wait, wait-! *Gets an idea.* An antidote! Gribble, run down to the drug store for an antidote! And send those detectives away! *Turns back as Roger exits.*  
  
Duo: He's turning blue!  
  
Gendo: Oh, we must do something! Miller, you work on him. Don't let him die! JUMPING BUTTERBALLS! *Rushes out the door.*  
  
TK: *Stops groaning and sits up before jumping off the bed and onto his feet.* Now we can sneak out and see the show.  
  
Duo: But the minute he finds out you're not dying, he'll send for the sheriff and stop the show!  
  
Spike: Davis, there's only one thing left to do: You'll have to stay up here and keep on dying for 2 1/2 hours.  
  
TK: What?!  
  
Spike: Till the show's over.  
  
TK: But I wanna see the show!  
  
Spike: There won't be one if Wagner finds out you're not dying!  
  
TK: I dunno if I can keep it up for 2 1/2 hours, I've never done it before.  
  
Spike: We'll help you.  
  
(Kari suddenly rushes in, wearing a white dress similar to Hitomi's from "Escaflowne the TV series.")  
  
Kari: LEO! *Hugs TK.* Oh, Leo! Mr. Gribble said you were dying.  
  
TK: It's only a plot, darling. I'm all right.  
  
Spike: Hilda, we're in a jam. We have to pretend that Davis is dying or else Wagner'll close the show.  
  
Kari: Oh, I'm beginning to understand.  
  
Spike: You go downstairs and watch the show, and come back up if there's any trouble.  
  
Kari: It's just like a play, isn't it? *To TK.* Alright, darling, and if I don't come back up, then you'll know it's good news. *Exits.*  
  
Spike: And if you do come back, bring four bottles of poison.  
  
Duo: *Leads TK back to the bed.* Just act sick! Groan, grunt, stagger about! Move a little, but not too much. And you mustn't die before 11 o'clock!  
  
TK: Don't you worry; I'll give you the best performance you ever saw in a hotel bedroom!  
  
Spike: That's the spirit!  
  
(Gendo and Roger's voices are heard from offstage.)  
  
Spike: *Shakes TK's hand.* Good luck, Davis. Drop dead!  
  
(TK immediately falls onto the bed, eyes closed. Gendo and Roger burst in, carrying cartons of eggs, bottles of milk and antidote, and empty glasses.)  
  
Gendo: Nobody's ever committed suicide in this hotel before, and nobody ever will as long as I have my say! *Pours a glass of antidote.* Miller, give Davis this antidote, and give him plenty!  
  
(The lights dim as Roger and Gendo mix eggs with milk in glasses while Vash, Spike, and Duo force TK to drink the antidote. Minutes later, the lights come up to show a quiet scene. Gendo and Roger are sitting near a small table that's loaded with empty milk bottles, egg cartons, and used glasses. Duo, Vash, and Spike are standing near the bed TK is lying on.)  
  
Spike: *Whispers to TK.* Can't you groan anymore?  
  
TK: *Whispers.* If I groan once more, that antidote you gave me will come up and spoil the whole show.  
  
Spike: In that case, consider yourself dead.  
  
(TK nods before giving a "last breath.")  
  
Duo: *To Gendo.* He's dying.  
  
Spike: It's all over. His heart has ceased beating.  
  
Gendo: What a horrible end!  
  
Roger: So young.  
  
Duo: All he said was "mother."  
  
Gendo: *Pales.*  
  
Spike: Downstairs, they've barely begun your immortal second act, Davis. While up here, you've finished your last act. Too soon. Too soon! He died too soon.  
  
Duo: *Nods.* An hour too soon. *Gets a look from Spike that says "watch it!"*  
  
Roger: I'll never forgive myself for this!  
  
Gendo: *Stands up.* Now don't take it so hard.  
  
Roger: We should have sent for an outside doctor!  
  
Gendo: But he kept recovering! And dying! And recovering again! It all happened so suddenly!  
  
Spike: Yes, too darn suddenly.  
  
Gendo: Every time we gave him the antidote, he seemed to get better. Maybe we should have given him more of it?  
  
Spike: I think we gave him too much.  
  
Roger: *Stands.* If we could only bring him back...  
  
Gendo: An hour ago, we were at each other's throats, and now... *Just shakes his head.* You know, this sort of thing makes you realize.  
  
Roger: Yes it does.  
  
Gendo: You struggle for money! But what good is it? ...It's too bad he didn't die at the Plaza.  
  
Spike: You mean it's bad for the hotel?  
  
Gendo: Well, it isn't good! There's bound to be a scandal.  
  
Duo: Goodbye, Leo. *Starts to pull up the bed cover over TK, with help from Spike and Vash.*  
  
Spike: Good night, sweet prince.  
  
Gendo: Well, we all gotta go sometime. ...I guess I should notify the police.  
  
Spike: It that really necessary?!  
  
Gendo: It's the law. *Goes for the phone, but is stopped by Spike.*  
  
Spike: But what if the body wasn't found in the hotel proper?  
  
Gendo: Naturally, that would help us.  
  
Duo: We could dump him in the alley.  
  
Gendo: NO, NO, NO!  
  
Roger: How can you be so sacrilegious?!  
  
Spike: I got it! We take him down the service elevator.  
  
Duo: And lug him in the back way.  
  
Spike: We dump him in a back seat.  
  
Duo: And there we have it!  
  
Spike: The author saw his own play and took poison!  
  
Duo: And instead of a suicide, you'd have a mystery.  
  
Gendo: No, I... I won't do anything against the law. I've got to notify the police.  
  
Spike: Wait one moment, Wagner! Before you call to have him taken away, we'd like to say a few last words to him.  
  
Duo: That's the least we could do.  
  
Gendo: ...Oh, all right.  
  
(The group gathers around the bed.)  
  
Spike: My friends, my heart is too full to say what I really think. Davis is no longer with us. He was a great playwright who died too soon.  
  
Gendo: Yes. Well-.  
  
(Gendo goes for the phone again, but Vash whistles suddenly before dashing off stage to the next room to get the wreath and place it over the bed.)  
  
Duo: E pluribus unum.  
  
Spike: Amen.  
  
(Gendo goes for the phone once more, only to be stopped by Spike's singing.)  
  
Spike: "Swing low, sweet char-iot"  
  
Spike & Duo: "Comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."  
  
Vash: *Pulls out a harmonica and joins along in the song.*  
  
Spike & Duo: "Swing low, sweet char-iot, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome." *Are joined by Gendo and Roger.* "If you get there before I do-o, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."  
  
Tenchi: *Rushes in and stands by the door.* He's not in the county hospital!  
  
(Spike, Duo, and Vash hold up their right arms in salute as they begin the last verse, causing Tenchi to return the salute and then rush off stage.)  
  
Spike, Duo, Gendo and Roger: "Hello, my friends, I'm coming, too-o, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."  
  
(Vash, beginning to cry silently, walks out the doors and offstage.)  
  
Roger: Shall I phone for the police now, Wagner?  
  
Gendo: No. I'll do it. This whole thing is my responsibility. You go down stairs, I'll meet you later.  
  
Roger: All right, Wagner. *Exits.*  
  
Gendo: *Goes once more to the phone, and is stopped once more by Spike.*  
  
Spike: Please! That's the same phone he used to call up his mother in Oswego. Only an hour ago.  
  
Gendo: Very well. *Heads for the door to the hall.* Now remember, I don't feel responsible for his death. I never knowingly hurt anybody in my life! *Opens the door only to see Vash standing there, with a fake knife in his chest, pinning a note to him as he turns and falls over onto his back, pretending to be dead.* AAHH!!!  
  
Spike: *Comes over and reads the note.* "Wagner drove me to my death, just as he drove Leo Davis." Wagner, we've got to dispose of this body!  
  
Duo: Maybe we could sell it to some medical students?  
  
Gendo: *Pales again while groaning.*  
  
Spike: *Glaring at Duo.* Not with conditions the way they are! Wagner, let's get him out of here!  
  
Gendo: I can't! That note, that dagger! *Turns away.*  
  
Spike: I'll dispose of the dagger! *Reaches down, but Vash quickly takes the fake dagger and note and stuffs them in his pocket while Gendo isn't looking.* Okay, it's gone.  
  
Gendo: *Reaches down to grab Vash's arm, but then recoils.* Aaah! The body's not cold yet!  
  
Duo: I'll fix that. *Goes to the phone.* Room service? Send up enough ice to cool a warm body.  
  
(Gendo and Spike carry out Vash through the door offstage. The scene quickly changes to an alleyway behind the hotel and theatre. Spike and Gendo carry out Vash and sit him on one of the trashcans. Jet, wearing a police uniform, sees them and heads over to them.)  
  
Jet: Well, your show's going great, Mr. Miller.  
  
Spike: Thank you.  
  
Jet: *Points at Vash.* What have you got there?  
  
Spike: One of my actors. I need him for the next act, and he's passed out from all the excitement.  
  
Jet: You'd think he was dead. *Notices Gendo looking very pale.* Your friends seems like he's had a snootful, too.  
  
Spike: Yes, but he'll get over it. Come on, Wagner!  
  
(Again, Gendo and Spike exit as the scene changes. They reappear in the theatre, where Goku, Gennoa, Faye, and several other men in costume are on the stage. Kari and TK are seated in one balcony near the entrance, where Gendo and Spike enter and where Jinnai is standing, holding programs.)  
  
Jinnai: Evening, Mr. Miller. *Hands Spike a program.*  
  
Spike: How's the show?  
  
Jinnai: It's a terrific hit, sir.  
  
Goku: ...For this, Washington and Lincoln lived! And though I speak to you with a foreign accent, still I speak, for a newer, and freer America!  
  
Gennoa: *Holds out his hand to Goku.* You win!  
  
(Taped applause begins to play as Gennoa and Goku shake hands. Kari and Tk also applaud.)  
  
Spike: *Smiling.* They're eating it up.  
  
Gendo: What about the other dead man?  
  
Spike: With a hit like this, we'll give him the biggest funeral this town has ever had.  
  
TK: Author! Author!  
  
Kari: *Stops TK.* Wait! It isn't finished yet.  
  
Goku: But, we could not have won, if not for our late comrade, who gave his life so that we could win. Bring the body, and let us pay a last moment of rememberance.  
  
(Burter and Ginyu, in miner's costumes, carry out Vash on a stretcher, again having the fake knife in his chest. Everyone begins singing "Swing Low, Swet Chariot" again while Gendo pales at the sight of Vash on stage, still thinking he's dead. Roger, Duo, and TK join Spike and Gendo.)  
  
TK: *To Wagner.* It's going great guns, isn't it, Mr. Wagner?  
  
Gendo: *Pulls a doubletake on TK and then faints. He is then held up at a sitting position by Duo and Spike as they, Roger and TK join in the song.*  
  
All (But Gendo): "If you get there before I do-o, comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."  
  
Spike: Yeah, man!  
  
All (But Gendo): "Hello, my friends, I'm coming, too-o,"  
  
Spike: Sure 'nough!  
  
All (But Gendo): *As the curtain closes.* "Comin' for to carry me ho-o-ome."  
  
(The audience begins to clap as the curtain reopens for the curtain call. Ginyu, Gennoa, Burter, Recoome, Arch and Jinnai come out and bow first, together. Char, Exedore and Tenchi come out and bow together. Gendo, Goku and Roger come out and bow next, followed by Faye, Sakura and Kari. Sakura gives Kari a hug before TK walks out and bows, getting loud cheers from his family and the Digi-Destined as well as Vegeta. Vash comes out next and gets louder cheers as he bows and blows kisses out to the crowd.)  
  
Wolfwood: *Backstage.* Looks like I lost the bet.  
  
Silencer: There's a first time for everything.  
  
(Duo comes out and bows as the GW boys and Hilde cheer for him. Finally, Spike comes out and get cheered on as he takes a bow, smoking a cigarette. Everyone then bows before Gendo goes backstage and pulls out R80 onto the stage to receive louder cheers, from both the audience and the cast.)  
  
R80: *Blushes.* I won't talk until I see my lawyer!  
  
(The crowd laughs, until a small section of the stage blows up and Ryoga appears, lost as usual.)  
  
Ryoga: Quick, which way to R80's theater? I'm late for a performance!  
  
R80: Too late, hamhead! You missed it, so I had to have Arch fill in for you. And once again, you wrecked my property!  
  
Ryoga: Um, sorry?  
  
R80: Too late for that. Boys, get him!  
  
(Burter, Ginyu, Recoome, Goku and Spike jump Ryoga and start to pummel him. Suddenly, Aeyka and Ryoko come out of the hole. Tenchi, unnoticed by them, takes one look and dashes backstage for the exit.)  
  
Aeyka & Ryoko: (Lord) Tenchi!!  
  
Happyman: I think we'd better get going.  
  
Nancy: Good idea.  
  
(The audience starts to quickly head for the exits as Arch and R80 start fighting Ryoko and Aeyka.)  
  
Silencer: *Looks at the reader.* Well, looks like my hand in this is over. And since R80's busy at the moment, it's up to me to say goodbye to you all. So... "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!" 


End file.
